Alvis Gogwecker

Thanksgiving in Hootin Holler

2009-11-26T11:04:00.001-05:00

Dear Alvis:Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. It seems we get more forgetful the older we get. Your father sat on his glasses the other day and bent them so badly we had to go to the store to get them fixed. The man that fixed them advised us never to put glasses where we might sit down. Your father told him that was easy for him to say because hindsight is always 20/20.

We will have Thanksgiving dinner here, then your father and I will fall asleep in our rocking chairs. It is almost like someone feeds sleeping pills to the turkeys before we eat them.

Sorry you are not able to come home for Thanksgiving. But we will be happy to see you at Christmas time. Speaking of Christmas, I never saw so many places preparing for Christmas so early. Some stores began putting out their Christmas things in October. The Hootin Holler Dollar Store ran out of Christmas stuff in October and had to restock already. Well I guess if you build a better mousetrap, people will beat a path to your store.

Tawnee Pile is still as wild as ever. It seems if a man walks by her, she goes out with him. I told your father she probably will get a lot of presents at Christmas from the guys she dates. Your father said the only presents she needs are a lot of antibiotics.

Redzina Goober told us the other day her husband is always out riding his bike, so she is giving him a pair of wool biking shorts for Christmas. She says it might encourage him to ride less and stay home more.Well, got to go and help your father. He is chasing the turkey in circles around the house. If we don't chase it in shifts, we won't catch it in time for dinner.

Love,
Mama

Feeling Our Age

2006-07-24T22:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father and I are beginning to feel our age. Last week, we went to an antique auction, and someone bid on us. Your father says, “You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” At our age in Hootin Holler, a night on the town takes about 10 minutes. Lately, we have had Sometimers. Sometimes we remember and sometimes we forget.

Do you remember the June family? They named all of their kids with odd names. The oldest daughter was named, Enda. The next one was named, Itsa. Well, the youngest daughter, April May, came over last week for a visit. She is the only one without an odd name. April May has gained weight since we last saw her. She was wearing sweat pants and what looked like be a large sleep shirt with “Visit Booger Holler” printed on the front. Your father said any woman who would wear a shirt like that has given up on having a relationship with a man.

Lazlo Thomas is still as lazy as ever. I swear that man would walk two miles to avoid work. Your father says it must be hard for him to do nothing all of the time because he never knows when he is finished. He said Lazlo told him one of the nice things about doing nothing is there was always something to do.

Well, got to go now and help your father. He went out picking black berries yesterday and wasn’t sure if there would be any chiggers in them. There were.

Love,

Mama

Things Are The Same

2006-04-02T08:19:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. It keeps getting harder and harder to make ends meet. Your father says, with our luck if our ship ever does come in, we will be at the airport. And every day we seem to get more aches and pains. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Lately, your father and I still can work hard, but when we sit, we fall asleep. But why worry. Worry is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.

Molly Piles came over for a visit the other day. She took me aside and asked me for some advice. She told me she has a terrible problem with gas. She said, fortunately it is always silent, but wanted to know what she should do. I told her the first thing I thought she should do was to have her hearing checked.

Your father said this reminded him of the story about the man, who made a sound like "honda" every time he passed gas. When he finally went to a Proctologist, who said he had an abscess. It seems thatin Japan, where the doctor came from, there was even an old saying about it, "Abscess makes the fart go 'honda'.

Speaking of old sayings, many are not true any more. Remember the old saying that goes, "Hay... straw's cheaper, and grass is free."? Well, that is no longer true. Straw is more expensive than hay. And the old saying about getting more flies with honey than you can with vinegar has bothered me for years, because you can get more flies with manure than either of the other two! And how about the saying about leading a horse to water, but not making him drink. I think you can only point a horse in the general direction of water. Your father says it does help to salt the horse's hay--which is now cheaper than straw.

Well, have to go now. Your father just went out on the rocks on the edge of Lookout Cliff to see if there was still ice on them. There was.
Love,
Mama

Letter From Alvis

2005-11-14T12:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Mama:

It was so good to hear from you about all of the happenings in Hootin Holler. Things have been busy for me, too. Recently, I was surprised to learn that they do not call Kentucky a state. Everyone else does, but in Kentucky, they call it a Commonwealth. At first, I did not understand the reason for that name because the average or common person here is not wealthy. The average person also does not know why they call it a commonwealth. When I looked it up in the dictionary, I found that a commonwealth is a republic as in the Pledge of Allegiance’s, “and to the Republic for which it stands.” Now that makes sense.

The other thing that I still don’t understand is why they call Kentucky, The Bluegrass State. The grass here is just as green as the grass in Hootin Holler. I guess they thought calling Kentucky, “The Greengrass State,” was not cool enough. It does sound a bit common, doesn’t it? Well, they do have a lot of green grass. You might say, “It’s a commonwealth of green grass.”

Please write soon.
Love,
Alvis

Another Letter From Mama

2005-10-23T20:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. . Your father says the only two things we do with greater frequency at our age is go to the bathroom and attend funerals. Lately, your father and I are feeling our age. Yesterday, he mentioned buying me a treadmill. He said he wanted to buy it not because he thought I needed the exercise, but because he wanted me to have a reason to breathe heavily again. Wasn’t that sweet of him? Gracious sakes, I do love that man.

Last week, your father and I had the flu. I’ll tell you, we both were really sick. I felt so bad, I thought I was going to die and was afraid I wouldn’t. We were finally able to go the Hootin Holler General Store to do some shopping. While there, we ran into Lazlo Thomas. He still is as lazy as ever. He told us he was going to look for a job “tomorrow”. Now, he must have told us the same thing a dozen times. Your father says Lazlo thinks tomorrow is one today’s great labor saving devices.

Well, must go and help your father. He went out to the barn to see if the spider webs out there belonged to Recluse Spiders. They did.

Love,
Mama

Mama Writes to Alvis

2005-10-10T21:59:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. It seems like every day your father and I wake up with a new ache and pain. There is a good side to this, I guess. Your father days that after a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

The other day, your father and I ran in to Greg Humpty at the Hootin Holler General Store. We never were too friendly with Greg because his family has a bad reputation. Things seem to disappear when the Humptys are around. And Greg is one of the worst ones. Your father says he’s so sneaky, he can follow you into a revolving door and come out first. He makes you wish birth control was retroactive. The Humptys get ready to make chicken soup by stealing a chicken.

Lazlo Thomas and his fiance, Soupie, came over last night to visit. Lazlo is still as lazy as ever. And now Soupie isn’t much better. Your father says it must be hard to do nothing all of the time, cause you never know when you are finished. Lazlo has a new scheme he is working on. He is trying to sell his body to science before he dies. Your father says Lazlo will keep on trying whether science wants it or not. He always did have a dry sense of humor.

Rumor has it that Edna Ample was afraid her husband, Big, was having an affair because he was very late coming home from work one night last week. Edna is supposed to have felt much better when a friend said he probably just had an accident.

Must go now and see about helping your father. He wanted to cut down the old walnut tree in our backyard without it falling on anything. He didn’t.

Alvis Writes A Letter

2005-09-21T22:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Mom and Dad:
Hope you are well and things are going well in Hootin Holler. It is nice to hear about all of the going ons there, but it makes me homesick. Perhaps I can come home before the holidays.

I wrote you that I am taking a computer class. It is very interesting, but confusing. I am taking a class called Word class. I guess they call it that because we type a lot with words. If that is the case, why don't they call it Words class. The teacher said that Word is a word processing program. That statement confused me, because I cannot imagine words being processed. They are what they are, and do not need to go through a grinder, polisher, mixer or anything like that. Part of the class also involves what is called keyboarding. The teacher said it used to be called typing class, but did not explain why the name was changed.

In addition to learning to type, part of the class involves working with a thing they call a mouse. Why they call it a mouse is beyond me. It is oval shape and has no feet or ears. It has a little ball underneath, and you push it around and click two keys on top to give the computer directions. When the mouse is moved, it moves an arrow on the computer screen, which is like a television screen, but is not. The arrow is called a cursor. Again, I do not know why the cursor is called a cursor rather than an arrow. Maybe it's because people curse when it doesn't go where they want it to. The TV screen is called a CRT. I do not know the reason for that name either. Boy, they sure have a lot of strange names for things.

Will keep you up to date as I learn more about computers. Tell everyone I said, Hey!
Love,
Alvis

Mama Writes

2005-09-14T14:35:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. It seems every day we feel a bit older. It seems the only things we are able to do more now that we are older is go to the bathroom and attend funerals. Your father says that if he ever had any wild oats, they have turned to shredded wheat. He always did have a dry sense of humor.

Last week we went on a tour of Rybold's chicken farm. It is certainly a big operation, producing both chickens and eggs. Your father asked George Rybold which he thought came first, the chicken or the egg. George said he didn't know. George evidently is not the brains behind the operation. Your father says chickens are the only thing he knows of that you eat after they are dead and before they are born.

Harley Corn is still going to see his psychiatrist, although I wonder if it is doing him any good. No one can convince him that he is not doomed to have bad luck. We have tried and tried, but Harley says his luck is so bad that if he started a cemetary business, people would stop dying.

Lazlo Thomas and his fiance, Soupie, came over last night to visit. They both wanted to show us their new tatoos. Each tatoo said the wearer (I guess you could call the person with the tatoo, the wearer) loved the other person. For the life of me, I cannot understand this fascination with tatoos on the part of younger people today. I wonder if they ever saw what tatoos look like on older people. That's not a pretty thought. In a few years we will have a lot of tatooed older people running around.

Well, must go now because I have to help your father. He stuck his fingers into a pair of chinese handcuffs to see if they worked. They did. Write when you have time.

Love,
Mama

Alvis Writes Home

2005-08-27T11:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Mama:

Hope you are well and things are OK in Hootin Holler. Things are on the upswing for me. I found a job and am working in a factory here in the big city. A man told me to go to this place he called a temporary agency, and they would help me find a job. They called it temp to perm, whatever that means. I felt sorry for the man at the temporary agency who helped me find the job. Since he works at a temporary agency, he had better find a temp to perm job for himself before he loses the job he has. Funny, huh?

I went to a big store yesterday. They call it a drug store, although why they call it that is beyond me. It did not have that many drugs. What it did have was a lot of personal stuff that you would not believe. I walked up and down the aisles, and was embarassed by a lot of what I saw. Anyway, I think it should be called a Personal Stuff Store rather than a Drug Store.

I went to the library the other day and signed up for a class about using computers. The first class was yesterday. While they call it a computer is beyond me. I thought mine should be called a confuser, because it confused more than it added, subtracted, multiplied and divided. Will let you know how the confuser classes are going in another letter.
Love,
Alvis

Alvis Writes About Humorous and Odd Things

2005-08-26T10:17:00.000-04:00

Dear Mama:
Thanks for your recent letter. It is always nice to hear of home and the wonderful things going on there. I miss it dearly, but my future lies here in the big city.

Today I met a man who told me about blogs. At first, I thought he was talking about grades of lumber, but then he told me it had nothing to do with rating logs. It seems a blog is a diary that a person writes on the Internet, which I will tell you about later. I am trying to learn more about blogs. It is confusing. He says the address of his blog is http://thejoker2005.blogspot.com/, which is also confusing, because it is like no other address I have ever seen. It doesn't even have a zip code! I will try to research this some more and let you know more as I find out more.

Today I saw a man wearing camouflage clothes out on the street in the city. When I walked up to him and told him I could see him, he frowned and walked away. Some people just are not at all friendly.

Give everyone my best.
Love,
Alvis

Mama Writes

2005-08-24T23:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father and I are getting older and beginning to feel that way. He says two signs of advancing age are when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

Speaking of getting older, you’ll probably remember Rudy Gape recently got married right after his 89th birthday to Orpa Glow, a 85 year old widow. It was Rudy’s first marriage. It is a shame that just when Rudy decided to get married and make the most out of life, most of his is gone. Rudy says there are many, many advantages to old age, but he can’t remember what they are. He told your father that if he were a redwood tree, he wouldn’t even be through puberty yet. Rudy said one of the advantages of getting married at such an advanced age was that Medicare picked up 50% of the cost of their honeymoon. Your father says that Rudy has been able to combine the wisdom of youth with the energy of old age.

Harley Corn went to see his psychiatrist again last week. He says he used to be indecisive, but now he is not so sure. Harley has decided to be more positive about life. He says it doesn’t make sense to be pessimistic because it wouldn’t work out anyway.

Betty Clam came to visit yesterday. She is still a big gossip. She says everything she tells me is in confidence because that is the way it was told to her.

Well, must go and help your father. He was testing a swing in Hootin Holler Park to see if the ropes needed to be replaced. They did.

Love,
Mama

Dear Mama

2005-08-13T17:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Mama:
Thank you for your recent letter. It is nice to hear that the folks back in Hootin Holler are pretty much the same. Sorry that the financial situation has not improved. As soon as I get a job, I will send some money home.

The other day, I met a man, who tried to give me some advice about dating women. At least that was what I thought he was doing. He said the pharmacy at the drug store was a great place to go. He told me he was going right over there to "see Alice". Then he told me something about meeting another woman named Vi Agra. At least that's what I think he called her.

Any way, I have good news. Remember the neighbor lady, who is always inviting me to this and that? Well, I think she is interested in dating me. Will report back with more soon.
Love,
Alvis

A Letter From Mama

2005-08-11T10:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The economy is so bad here, we have been receiving Care Packages from Africa. Recently, we had to take the money we were saving for a used pickup truck and go and blow it on groceries.

While we were buying groceries, we saw Lazlo Thomas at the Hootin Holler General Store. He is still as lazy as ever. Ever since Lazlo’s been old enough to work, he didn’t. But that is not truly accurate. Lazlo has had several jobs with the same result—hired, tired, fired. When it comes to work, Lazlo will stop at nothing. He says he has liked all of his jobs. It’s the work he hates.

Harley Corn is still going to the psychiatrist. Harley says his psychiatrist is so good, he always finds something wrong with him. Now he seems to have cured Harley of most of his money. Harley told the psychiatrist that he was afraid of dying, and the doctor told Harley that was the last thing he would do.

Elmo Bean has started dating twins. It seems his last girlfriend told him he needed to be more affectionate.

Well, must go and help your father. He went to a beaver lodge on Hootin Holler creek and stuck his hand underwater to see if there were still beavers living in it. There were.

Love,
Mama

A Letter From Mama

2005-08-07T18:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The economy is so bad here, all your father and I have been able to save for a rainy day is dry socks. They say you can’t take it with you. We can’t even afford to go. Last week I asked your father what he would do if he had all of the money in the world, and he said he’d pay our bills for as far as it would go. He says when our outgo is more than our income, then our upkeep will be our downfall.

Lazlo Thomas dropped by again around dinnertime, hoping for a free meal, but we had already eaten. Another missed opportunity for a free meal. Your father says if opportunity knocked at Lazlo’s door, he’s complain about the noise. He also says the trouble with Lazlo is he’s trouble. Lazlo thinks he’d have it made if he had a cigarette lighter and a wife and both of them were working. He told your father that work is OK as long as it doesn’t take up too much of your spare time.

Harley Corn started going to see his psychiatrist again. Harley says he misses the good advice he gives him. Your father says, if you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don’t need advice.

Gertie Buzzard’s birthday was last week. She is as fit as a fiddle, but won’t tell anybody her age. She says that way she won’t have to lie about it. Gertie also says a woman stops telling her age as soon as it starts telling on her. She did tell me she is approaching middle age for the third time. I have known her since I was a little girl, and Gertie looks just like she did then…old. She says she owes her good health to smoking and drinking, as she never did either.

Well, must go now and help your father. He borrowed a nail gun from our neighbor to fix our leaky roof. After he got it all hooked up, he aimed it at his foot to see if it was loaded with nails. It was.

Love,
Mama

A Short Note From Alvis

2005-08-06T10:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Mama:

I was pleased to get your last letter and hear about all the happenings in Hootin Holler. Things are much the same here in the big city. I did have an interview for a job last week, but am not sure I did that well. When the fella asked me how far I went in school, I told him, "About three miles." I also told him that I had a hard time learning to spell because the teacher kept changing the words. He said he would let me know if I had the job. Still haven't heard.

I was invited by a neighbor woman to attend a roast last weekend. I brought a roasting pan just in case they needed an extra one, but they told me it was not that kind of a roast. It was more like a birthday party. They made fun of this man, who was having his 50th birthday. Everyone laughed a lot, including the man. I couldn't figure what was so funny about turning 50; and they never did roast anything.

Well, must go for now. I have been invited by Brandy, the neighbor lady, to go out to get a bite to eat. Have you ever heard of a woman being named after a drink? Come to think of it, I know a guy named Bud. Guess with equality of the sexes, fair is fair. We are going to the kind of restaurant where you stand in front and decide what to eat. Write soon.

Love,
Alvis

Mama Writes

2005-08-01T10:22:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The good thing about being poor is it doesn’t take much to improve your situation. I guess it is a good thing we can’t afford more things, cause I’d just have more things to dust.

Last week a bunch of fishermen came through town looking for a good place to fish. They said they were sportsmen. Your father says there are two types of fishermen, those who do fish for sport and those who catch fish.

Harley Corn stopped going to his psychiatrist. Harley said the man was meddling too much in his private life. He told your father that any one who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

Lazlo Thomas came by the house the other day. He is as lazy as ever. He dropped by around dinnertime, hoping for a free meal, but we had already eaten. My, my, too slow for a free meal. About the only thing Lazlo can do fast is get tired. Lazlo told us he went to the doctor the other day because he was feeling listless. The doctor told Lazlo there is nothing wrong with him; he is just lazy. Lazlo wanted to know the medical term for it, so he could tell Soupie, his fiancé. Soupie is just about as bad as Lazlo. Then only thing that isn’t lazy is her tongue. Your father says if the two of them ever get married, they probably will do their dishes in bed. Of course, that assumes either one will cook.

Betty Clam, the town gossip came over to visit the other day. She always seems to have more details than facts. I honestly believe she only has two types of friends, those she talks to and those she talks about. Your father says Betty believes much more than she hears. He also says she tells everything she can get her ears on.

Well, must go and help your father. I think he must be in his second childhood. He borrowed Johnny Clinton’s skateboard the other day and is trying to learn to ride it. This morning he went to Hootin Holler Hill to see if he could skateboard down it. He couldn’t.

Love,

Mama

A Note From Alvis

2005-07-28T08:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Mama:

Thank you for your recent note. It is always nice to catch up on the happenings at home.

I wanted to tell you about a recent experience. I discovered a new place to meet women. I met a man, who said he was going to a pharmacy to meet his girlfriends. He must have had two of them there, because he said he was going to see Alice and Vi Agra. He sure was a lucky guy. I would be satisfied with just one girlfriend.

Well, must go. I have a doctor's appointment so I can get a prescription and meet some women.

Love,

Alvis

Alvis Finally Writes Home

2005-07-22T05:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Mama:

Glad to hear things are much the same in Hootin Holler. Please tell Pop I was sorry to hear about the explosion and to get well soon. Things are much the same here, too. Sorry I haven't written. Have been trying to get a job and am not much good at writing.

I had the strangest thing happen here yesterday. I went to a shopping place they call a maul. Just why they call it a maul is unclear to me. Anyway, I saw a little boy there, who was crying. He said he had lost his dad. When I offered to help him search for his dad and asked, What’s he like?” the little boy told me, “Beer and good looking women.” About that time, he saw his father and ran off to join him.

At the maul, they have all sorts of interesting stores. Most of them are full of clothes that no one would want to wear and no one is buying. There was even a store that sold joke items. You would not believe all of the things there. One of them was this sort of plastic puddle thing that looked like someone had thrown up. Another thing looked like my dog, Old Blue, had gone to the bathroom. I offered to sell them the real thing, and they asked me to leave. I don’t know why.

Well, have to go now. Am still looking for a job and have an interview at a railroad car making company for the position of frog welder. I don’t know what welding poor little frogs has to do with making boxcars, but as you know I can weld anything.

Love,

Alvis

A Letter From Mama

2005-07-01T23:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. Lately, things are so bad, your father says he would have to borrow five cents to make change for a nickel.

Lazlo Thomas came over to the house last night to talk to your father. As you know, Lazlo is engaged to a girl named Soupie. Well, Lazlo was telling your father how hard it is to remain celibate until he and Soupie get married. Your father told Lazlo it might help if he asked himself if one hour of pleasure is worth the shame he and Soupie would have the rest of their lives together. Lazlo then asked your father how he could make it last for an hour. Your father gave Lazlo some other good marriage advice. He told him a wedding ring is about the same as a tourniquet. They both should stop circulation. Lazlo is still as lazy as ever. He is so lazy that if he ever decided to procrastinate, he would never get around to it. Your father says he’s a regular hotbed of apathy. He has such a funny sense of humor.

We saw Kingsley Regal at the store the other day. Kingsley is not the brightest flashlight on the shelf. He told us he was going to visit relatives in the big city, and they are going to take him to the racetrack. Kingsley says he has already picked a winner because the horse is listed to start at 25 to 1, and Kingsley knows the race doesn’t start till 1:00. Kingsley has a new girlfriend. The other day she asked him if he would like to see where she was operated on, and Kingsley turned her down because he hates hospitals.

John and Thelma Bedess, our next-door neighbors are still arguing a lot. The other night Thelma asked John why he acted so distant to her. He told her it wasn’t acting. She also asked him why he had not talked to her in the last two weeks. John told her he was afraid to interrupt. John has taken up weight lifting. He told Thelma he wanted his stomach to look like the six packs we always see on men with a lot of muscles. Thelma told him his stomach looked more like a case. Each to his own, I guess.

Well, must go and help your father. You’ll remember years ago he got struck by lightening in our backyard. He just went outside in a thunderstorm to test that old saying that lightening never strikes twice in the same place. It does.
Love,
Mama

A New Letter From Hootin Holler

2005-06-25T08:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. Lately, things are so bad, when they advertise things on the radio with no payments and no interest, we have no interest. Our mayor, Seymor Hills, bless his heart, tries to make us feel better. He is fond of saying, “Cheer up, most of our future lies ahead.” Your father says to take everything in stride because sometimes life is something you can’t live with our without. His attitude is not to torture yourself about life, because life will do that for you anyway.

Harley Corn is still seeing his psychiatrist. It does not seem to be helping him to be more positive about life. He told the psychiatrist that in life you had to take the bitter with the sour. Harley says that is a dog-eat-dog world and all of his life, he has worn dog food clothes. Your father told me, if Harley had wanted to be somebody, he should have been more specific.

Speaking of clothes, Idris Bean recently broke up with her boyfriend. It seems she found out he was a Naturist, when he invited her to go with him to a nudist camp. Betty refused, and they had a parting of the ways. Betty says if God had wanted people to go naked, he wouldn’t have given us clothes.

Lazlo Thomas finally got a job, but was fired from it after one day. It seems he told his boss what he thought of him. Your father says if you tell your boss the truth, the truth will set you free.

Well, must go and help your father. Yesterday, he examined some plants in our backyard to see if they were Poison Ivy. They were.
Love,
Mama

Letter From Mama

2005-06-23T09:01:00.001-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. Lately things are so bad, even the fleas on our dogs have moved out of town. Someone recently offered your father a penny for his thoughts, and he said it was nice to be working again.

We saw Nacho Gack at the Hootin Holler General Store the other day. You know we have always suspected Nacho was a bit light fingered. Well, the other day confirmed it. He told me that I could get a good pair of shoes for a couple of bucks at a bowling alley. Nacho was never concerned about style.

It seems we are always getting upset with our politicians in Washington. Your father says there is nothing wrong in Washington that some common sense or a funeral or two wouldn’t fix. The Hootin Holler Mayor, Seymor Hills is no different. Fortunately, he doesn’t say much. Even when he does, he doesn’t say much. We have been watching a lot of politicians on television lately. Your father says television allows you to watch people from the comfort of your home, who you would never have there as company. Anymore it seems we vote for the candidate we dislike the least. I would like to see more women in politics, but it must be hard to keep putting makeup on two faces.

Lazlo Thomas came over to the house last night to talk to your father. As you know, Lazlo is engaged to a girl names Soupie. She wants Lazlo to get a professional job somewhere. Your father says that Lazlo is already a professional shirker, and one of the best. Work never bothered Lazlo; he can go to sleep next to it any time. Lazlo told your father he is thinking about being a writer. The only thing Lazlo will ever be good at writing is his name on the back of a check.

Well, must go and help your father. He was over at George Strange’s house visiting, and stuck his finger into George’s fish tank to see if the piranha were real. They were.
Love,
Mama

Mama Writes From Home

2005-06-21T09:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same in Hootin Holler. Lately, I have a terrible case of nerves. I have tried relaxing, but feel more comfortable, tense. Your father says the best thing for a case of nerves is a case of beer. We have talked about moving to someplace where the economy is doing better, then your father reminds me that the grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence, but it is just as hard to cut.

Speaking of grass, we have had so much rain lately; we have to mow the grass two times a week. Last night we took a walk in the back yard, and I swear we could hear it growing. When we were younger, your father and I used to walk in the rain all the time. He joked that he did not mind getting wet because he was wash and wear. Later, he kidded that he was permanent press. Your father now says he doesn’t like to walk in the rain because he is not wrinkle free

Lazlo Thomas brought his new fiancé to the house for a visit. Her name is Soupie. Lazlo is still as lazy as ever. They met in the employment line at the corncob pipe factory. Lazlo doesn’t go over there to find work, but to pick up girls. Boy are they ever a pair. Soupie doesn’t want Lazlo to exercise or work because it makes him smell bad. Your father says, “Soupie is stupie.” He also says Lazlo will not amount to much after he is married because he hasn’t added up to much so far. I think Soupie is better at love than she is at math.

Recent efforts to get together a Hootin Holler band were a failure. It seems none of the would-be band members could read music or play any of the right notes during practices. Your father says in their case, perfect pitch means throwing away the instruments and not hitting the sides of the dumpster with them. We tried to donate your great grandpa’s old banjo to the band, but they turned it down even after we told them there were no strings attached.

Well, must go and help your father. He found what looked like an old hand grenade in with grandpa’s old WWII stuff and wanted to see if it was real. It was.
Love,
Mama

Letter From Mama

2005-06-17T22:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Sometimes I wonder if things can get any worse. Then your father cheers me up by saying, you are never given more than you can handle, unless you die from something.

Lazlo Thomas came to the house the other day for a visit. He is still as lazy as ever. Lazlo says he believes in living life as simply as possible by filling what is empty, emptying what is full, scratching what itches and going to sleep when he is tired. Lazlo told us that starting tomorrow he intends to procrastinate more. Your father says Lazlo speaks his mind because he has nothing to lose. He also says, with Lazlo, after all is said and done, more is said than done. He works harder at avoiding work than the work itself. You know, Lazlo once got kicked out of a correspondence school because he figured out a way to cut classes. He sent in empty envelopes.

Buster Oweings and his wife Ima are getting a divorce. Seems she told him he needed to be more affectionate, so he got two girlfriends. Buster told your father that marriage was an expensive way to get your laundry done.

Kinglsey Regal came over the other day. You know he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He told your father that he thought the English Channel was something you watched on Cable TV. His wife obviously married him for his good looks. Kingsley said that there have been a lot of wrong number phone calls recently at his house. Some guy keeps calling and asking if the coast is clear.

Well, must go and help your father. He climbed that old elm tree out back to see if a branch would support his hammock. It didn’t.

Another Letter

2005-06-14T01:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father finally got his appetite back and is eating like he is condemned.

Your father says sometimes when they say a product is improved, they just put it in a different color box.

I told you in one of my other letters that Donnie Glotz and Dottie Gack got engaged. It was love at first sight… the moment he saw the size of her savings account. Of course, everyone says he is marrying her for her money. He offered to prove his love by having a large tattoo made that said “Donnie Loves Dottie,” but Dottie said, no. She was afraid it would show whenever she wore sleeveless outfits.

Harley Corn started seeing his psychiatrist again. He says he had about all he could take of himself.

Joe Glow finally had to close his store after three years. Your father says he stayed in business that long because his customers were willing to overlook little things like service, prices, sales help and reliability.

Well, must go and see to your father. This morning, he crawled under our old shed to see if the animal under it was a porcupine. It was.

Love,

Mama

New Letter

2005-05-23T00:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father is worried because there never seems to be enough money to go around. I told him not to get so worried because you can’t take it with you. He told me, “Whoever said that never met an old maid.”

Harley Corn went to the psychiatrist last week and came back very mad at him. Harley said the psychiatrist kept showing him inkblots associated with sex. The psychiatrist said he wanted to take the results home for the weekend to study them. Harley said he got upset when the psychiatrist wouldn’t lend him his dirty pictures. Harley said the doctor asked him if he was troubled by indecent thoughts, and Harley told him no, he enjoyed them very much.

Elmo Bean got divorced again last week. It was his sixth marriage and divorce. Elmo says he has been marred and divorced so many times because a man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. He said his last wife was looking for an older man with a strong will—made out to her.

Lazlo Thomas is still as lazy as they come. He says he is going to join a group called “Workers Anonymous.” When you feel the urge to go to work or do a chore, they send someone over to drink with you until the urge passes.

Betty Clam, the town gossip came over to visit the other day. Your father told me not to tell her any secrets because they would go in one ear and in another.

I see the Kentucky Derby was won by a horse that seems to have surprised everyone except your father. He says a racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

Ima Gooch told us her boyfriend invited her to go with him next weekend to a nudist camp, but she is not sure she wants to go. Your father told her she should not be afraid of going—that nudism was just a different way of looking at things.

Well, must go and see to your father. He threw a rock at a hornet’s nest to see if hornet’s were still in it. They were.

Love,
Mama

A letter from Mama

2005-05-22T10:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. To reduce stress and excitement, your father and I have been spending more time with each other. We both are taking care of our health. Fortunately for us, people who say, You are just as old as you feel.”, are wrong. Your father says, “Be true to your teeth, or your teeth will be false to you.” We try to eat right, but if you are what you eat, we are both dead meat. Either that or we’re fast, easy or cheap.

I went to visit Harley Corn the other day. I am not sure the psychiatrist is helping him. He says half of analysis is anal. Almost every light bulb in Harley’s house is burned out. When I suggested to Harley that he put in new bulbs, he said he planned to when the light was better. He is a real character. Harley said it was so cold this past winter that he almost got married.

The Clod and the McDuel families have resumed their 55-year old feud with each other. It seems they were oversleeping every morning cause there were no gunshots to wake them up. Your father says, if it is true that misery loves company, then each family has a graveyard full of both.

It was interesting to hear about some of the cities with interesting names near where you are now living. Rabbit Hash sounds like an interesting place to visit, as does Big Bone State Park. I'm not too sure about Blue Ball and Sugar Tit. I’ll tell you though, I would not have wanted to know Earl Anger when he was living. It’s hard to understand why they named a city after him. It’s too bad we don’t have any places with interesting names near Hootin Holler.

Well, must go and help your father out. He put a rope over the edge of that deep old well in our backyard to see if he could find the bottom. He couldn’t.

Love,
Mama

Mama's Letter

2005-05-22T10:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father and I are both feeling our age. It seems that I am always dealing with one of the Ritis boys. Your father says it takes about 10 years to get used to how old you are. I guess we are lucky when compared to some people. Your father says unless you have walked in another man’s shoes, you can’t imagine the smell.

Starley Stone turned 99 last month and is getting more and more forgetful in his old age. His daughter is afraid he is coming down with Old Timer’s. She says he promised her he would take a test for senility, but is worried that he will forget to take it.

The Clod and the McDuel families have finally ended their 55 year feud with each other. Your father says that he will believe it when he sees it because nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

It was interesting to hear about your recent visit to a Sushi bar. I have always heard the old saying about drinking like a fish, but never realized that fish might have their own bar. From your description of Sushi, I think we have something similiar in Hootin Holler, too. But here it is called bait.

Bettie Clam, the town gossip came for a visit the other day. Did you ever notice that some people become more interesting when they stop talking? Bettie is one of them.

Well, must go and help your father. He went to see if that old patch of quicksand near our swamp had dried up. It hadn’t.

Love,
Mama

Mama Writes

2005-05-22T10:20:00.000-04:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. This morning I had to help the garbage man. He was confused as to what stayed and what went. When I came back in the house, your father was swatting flies in the kitchen. He said he had killed three male and two female flies. When I asked him how he could tell, he said three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.

Lately, your father has been very complimentary of my cooking. I guess it is true that the way to a man’s heart is his stomach. Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.

Gertrude Trudie and her husband Pro have announced they are going to publish an adult magazine for married men and one for married women. In order to make them realistic, they are going to have each magazine’s monthly centerfold be of the same person.

Harley Corn went to the psychiatrist last week because he was afraid he was becoming a kleptomaniac. He said he kept going back for seconds and thirds when they give away free samples at the grocery store. The psychiatrist told Harley he was just hungry. Your father says a kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.

Ima Gooch showed us the passport photo she had taken the other day for her trip to Europe. It did not look like her. Your father says if you really look like your passport photo, you are too sick to travel.

Well, must go and see to your father. He is repairing the barn roof and got on it to see if it was strong enough to hold him. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama

Letter From Mama

2005-02-23T09:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. You know, growing older is not all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it. My get up and go is going, going, going. And one thing I have learned, never ask an old person how he feels, if you have anything else to do that day. My grandfather once told me that old people should not eat health foods. He said they need all the preservatives they can get.

Bettie Clam, the town gossip, says the secret to staying young is to live clean, eat healthy and lie about your age. She should know. Oh me, did I write that? She stayed for an hour the other day. Did you ever notice that some people stay longer in an hour than others do in a month?

Elmo Bean got divorced again the other day. He has been married and divorced five times. He says he has finally learned his lesson, and that marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution? He told your father that marriage was not a word, but a sentence. He said he would never marry again, but just lease. Whatever that means. He says you really don’t know anything about a spouse until the divorce.

June Gack passed away last week. They said such nice things about her at her funeral. Too bad she missed hearing them by a few days.

Harley Corn went to see his psychiatrist again. As part of his treatment, the psychiatrist told him to buy the book, The Power of Positive Thinking. Harley said he started off to the city to buy it and then thought, “What good would that do?” He didn’t even get halfway there. Harley also told us when he was growing up he had Amnesia once, or perhaps twice. He couldn’t really remember. If you ask me, that explains a lot. Before they made Harley, they broke the mold. I think his father must have dropped him on his head a time or two.

Well, got to go help your father. The storm we just had a wire knocked down up the road, and your father went to see if it was a live electric wire. It was.

A New Letter

2005-02-23T09:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The nice thing about living in a small town is if you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

Odie Smoots recently had an automobile accident. He told the officer that the car skidded when he swerved to avoid a pine tree that seemed to come out of nowhere. Then every time he swerved there seemed to be another pine tree in the way, so his car ended up in the ditch. The cop told him there were no trees around; it was just the air freshener hanging on the rear view mirror. Odie is not the sharpest pencil in the cup. He is the kind of guy when asked by a cop, “Got any ID?” he answers with, “Bout what?” Your father says they quit giving him lunch breaks at work, so they don’t have to retrain him.

Lazlo Thomas recently applied for a job, and asked your father for a reference. Of course, he is so lazy, and giving him a reference put your father on the spot. Your father finally took care of the problem by writing, “In my opinion, you will be very fortunate to get Lazlo to work for you. No one would be better for the job.” Lazlo was hired, and your father said he had done the best he could. It wasn’t his fault if they didn’t take his warning.

Harley Corn started going to a new psychiatrist. He told him that he had a dream where he was a tee-pee, then he had another dream where he was a wigwam. The psychiatrist told Harley his problem was that he was too tense. Harley is not the brightest guy in the world. He was asked recently if he could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be. He told them it would be with the living one.

Well, got to go help your father. We were going to take a walk together later, and he went out to see if that old log over the gully was strong enough to hold both of us. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama

A New Letter From Mama

2005-02-23T09:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father and I are feeling pretty good for our age, but we realized that one of the signs we are getting older is that we are getting up at the same time we used to go to bed.

Birdie Brain returned from visiting her sister in the city. She told me her sister took her to a fancy French restaurant for dinner and ordered Escargot. Birdie said her sister told her Escargot was French for snails. Well, Birdie tried them and said she did not like them that much. She prefers fast food.

Bill Glotz recently went to the doctor because of a pain in his belly. The doctor told Bill that he needed an operation. When Bill found out what it would cost, he told the doctor he couldn’t afford it, so the doctor offered to touch up his x-rays. Bill did have the surgery and is doing fine. Says when he woke up the curtains in his room were closed tightly. When he asked why, the doctor told him there was a big fire across the street and they did not want to scare him.

Harley Corn quit going to therapy. I think he is a bit paranoid. Says his doctor was trying to help him behind his back. Then his twin brother forgot his birthday. Harley said he felt so bad, he called the Suicide Prevention Hotline. And they put him on hold.

Lazlo Thomas is still as lazy as they come. Recently, he turned down a job that required him to be pretty active. Says that if he wanted to feel athletic, he would go to a sports bar. He told your father that he never reads the fine print in anything, cause there is no way he is going to like it.

Betty Clam came to visit yesterday. She is still a big gossip, telling all sorts of funny tales about everybody. Your father says she has a great sense of rumor.

Arnold Bullwinkle and his wife, Dottie, went shopping in the city last weekend. Arnold says they were in this big department store, when they got separated, and he could not find Dottie. So Arnold found a pretty woman in the store and started to talk to her. Arnold says that whenever he does that his wife appears out of nowhere. And she did!

Well, got to go help your father. He tasted a mushroom from our back yard to see if it was safe to eat. Got to take him to the hospital to get his stomach pumped.

Love,
Mama

Dear Alvis Letter

2005-02-21T08:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your dad says, “You know things are bad when your charge card and your belt both hit their limits.” He also says, “If the rich could hire people to die for them, the folks in Hootin Holler would make a wonderful living.”

John and Thelma Bedess our next-door neighbors have been fighting a lot lately. John told your father that you should never go to bed angry; you should stay up and fight.” He said he was worried about the future of their marriage because Thelma wanted to tell him something, on Jerry Springer. He says if love is blind, marriage is a real eye opener. And if it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

Julie Trump came for a visit yesterday. She told me she is dating still another married man. Says she enjoys dating married men because they don’t want anything kinky, like breakfast. She told me her sister Sue broke up with the guy she was dating because he wanted to get married, and she didn’t want him to.

Kinglsey Regal came over again the other day for some advice on dating. He said he is tired of trying to find a date in singles bars. Says he finds plenty of pigs, skunks and dogs, but no foxes. Kingsley told your father he moved around from stool to stool in a singles bar the other night, and the only thing he found interesting was some used gum. Kingsley is not the smartest guy in the world. He says he doesn’t have a bank account because he doesn’t know his mother’s maiden name.

Harley Corn went to see his psychiatrist again last week. He told the psychiatrist that he needed someone to date while he was looking for someone to love. Said he dated this woman who evidently was psychic, cause she broke up with him before they met.

Well got to go and help your father. We have had a lot of rain lately and Hootin Creek has been flooded. Your father drove the pickup down there to see if the water was low enough to drive through. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama

Another Letter

2005-02-06T20:56:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Recently, though, when I shop, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”

The other day, Bertha Smedley lost her purse. She told me that a neighbor boy found it and brought it back to her. When she opened it, she said to him, “That’s funny, there was a $20 bill here. Now there are twenty $1 bills.” The boy told her that the last time he found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.

Dudley Goodley was recently struck by lightening. When they found him, he was unconscious and had a big grin on his face. When he woke up, they asked him why he was grinning. He said he thought he was having his picture taken.

Goober Bean told your father the Bean family was related to everybody. When your father asked how that could be, Goober said, Well, we’re all human beans!”

I think I wrote you that little Johnny Clinton is now in school. He is very smart. Recently, his teacher was asking him questions about his numbers. He got most of them right until she asked him what came after 10 and he said, “A Jack!”

Donnie Glotz and Dottie Gack just announced their engagement. They are taking their time saving their money before they get married. Speaking of engagements, that reminds me that your father says the most common form of marriage proposal is: “You’re what?”

Well, got to go help your father. He went out to our old pond to see if the ice was thick enough to walk on. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama

A Letter From Mama

2005-02-06T20:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

I hope things are well with you. Recently, it has been so hot here that the birds have had to use oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground. And all the best parking spaces are based on shade, not on distance.

Bee Brown told me that yesterday her husband went fishing again. He seems to fish all the time, so I asked her if all of his fishing bothered her. She said, “Oh my, No. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and you get rid of him for a whole weekend.

Joe Gump told your father he asked his boss for a raise last week. It seems he told his boss that three companies were after him. When his boss asked what companies were after him, Joe told him, “The gas company, the electric company and the phone company.”

Granny Nelson recently went to the doctor because she wasn’t feeling well. The doctor gave her some pills to take, one in the morning with a glass of water, one at noon with a glass of water and one in the evening with a glass of water. When Granny asked what was wrong with her, the doctor told her she wasn’t drinking enough water.

Elsie Krack’s husband died last week. Elsie told us he went out to the garden to get a cabbage for dinner and dropped dead right in the garden. We asked Elsie what she did when that happened, and she told us she opened a can of peas instead.

This morning your father and I had a disagreement. Finally, he told me he wanted to compromise, and he would admit he was wrong, if I would admit he was right. I agreed, and since it was his idea, I let him go first. He told me he was wrong, and I told him he was right.

Well, must close for now. Remember that old hornet’s nest behind our house? Well, your father just went out to see if there were still hornets in it. There were.

Love,
Mama

A New Letter From Mama

2005-02-06T20:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

Hope things are OK with you. Lately, I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with it half done.

The other day I saw a funny sign on the back of Orville Mudd’s horse drawn carriage. It said, “This is an energy efficient vehicle. It runs on oats and grass. Warning: Do not step on exhaust.”

Recently an out-of-town specialist came to Hootin Holler to advise the older folks how to deal with memory loss. But he had to cancel when no one remembered to show up.

Rudy Gape recently got married the week after his 89th birthday. He married Orpa Glow, a 85 year old widow. Rudy says they spent their honeymoon getting out of the car.

Iris Gomer just got back from a bus trip to one of those casinos an Indian reservation. Iris says the Indians are taking back America one nickel at a time.

Birdie Grape just got married again. I think he must have had a lot of money, cause she told me that coffee, chocolate and men are all better if they are rich.

Herman Glotz told us he finally cancelled his stolen credit card. Herman said he delayed reporting it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Lazlo Thomas is still not working. The other day he was offered a job to start at $10 an hour now and then pay $12 hourly in three months. When he was asked when he wanted to start work, Lazlo said, “In three months!”

Well, got to go help your father. He stuck his head in a bear’s cave to see if it was hibernating. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama

Letter From Mama

2005-01-17T22:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same in Hootin Holler. But I am beginning to feel my age. The other day I looked in my address book and realized that most of the names there began with Doctor. I don’t want to complain, but it is getting longer to rest than it takes to get tired. The other night your father and I had a night out. Out on the deck. That’s all we had the energy for.

Dottie Bullwinkle said that Hillary Clinton plans to run for President in four years. She says isn’t it strange that the Democrats just lost one election and are already working on losing another one.

Kinglsey Regal came over the other day for some advice on completing one of those dating surveys. One of the questions was how he wanted to be seen by the opposite sex, and he thought for a moment and asked me how to spell “smart.” Your father says Kingley’s IQ is one point lower than it takes to grunt.

Harley Corn went to see his psychiatrist again last week. He has major problems. Harley told the psychiatrist that everyone hated him. The psychiatrist told him not to be ridiculous, that everyone had not met him yet. Harley is very modest and truly has every reason to be that way. He told your father that he wanted to find a paranoid’s anonymous meeting to attend, but they would not tell him where it was held.

Granny Gonk went to see her doctor the other day and took all of her medications with her. When the doctor saw that one of them was for birth control pills, he asked her about them. Granny told him they helped her sleep at night. It seems every morning she grinds one up and mixes in a glass of orange juice for her 18-year-old granddaughter, and that helps Granny sleep at night.

Herman Glotz told your father and me that he was tired of people hunting on his land without permission. To stop it, he said he posted a sign that said, “No trespassing. Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.”

Well, time to close. Your father says to tell you if it is true that money can’t make you happy, he would like the chance to prove it.

Love,
Mama

Another Letter

2005-01-17T22:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Jobs are so hard to find that last week someone offered your Dad a penny for his thoughts and he said it was nice to be working again.

Herman Cool finally got engaged. He met this girl in a revolving door, and they started going round together. Her father died recently and left her everything. They don’t know how much it is because they haven’t gone through his pants pockets yet.

George Ogg came into a lot of money last week by a lucky stroke. His uncle had the stroke. Your father asked him what he was going to do with the money, and George said he was going to buy two hundred gallons of elderberry wine, 500 lottery tickets, and 100 packages of licorice gum, and if he had any money left, he’d probably just spend that foolishly.

Today your father told me he as homesick. And I said, “But dear, this IS your home!” and he said, “I know, but I’m sick of it.” Two weeks ago was our anniversary. We exchanged presents. He exchanged the one I gave him and I exchanged the one he gave me. So I gave him a new TV and stereo. You should have seen his face today when Renta Center picked them up.

Well, son, I must close now and go help your father. He stuck his finger in a turtle’s mouth to see if it was a snapping turtle. It was.

Love,
Mama

Another Letter From Mama

2005-01-17T22:44:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The economy is so bad here, that when your father recently took a load of trash to the dump, he came back with more than he took.

Your Great Aunt Elsie Gogwecker is now calling herself a sexy senior citizen. Seems she just won a wet shawl contest. Makes you wonder where she got the money she gave you for your birthday.

Nacho Gack told me that he was going to become a vegetarian. Your father said vegetarian was an old, old word for “lousy hunter”. You know, we have always suspected that Nacho was a bit light fingered. Our suspicions were confirmed the other day. At school for “Show and Tell,” his kids took a siphon hose. Last year when he went to Florida on vacation, Nacho got thrown out of Sea World when they caught him with his fishing pole.

Little Johnny Clinton is now going to school. My, my it seems like just yesterday he was learning to walk and falling into the holler. But I digress. The other day, Johnny’s teacher was reading his class the story of the Three Little Pigs. When she came to the part where the first little pig went to the farmer and said, “Can I have some straw to build my house?”, she asked the class what they thought the farmer said. Johnny raised his hand and said, “I bet the farmer said, “Holy Cow, a talking pig!”

Lazlo Thomas was recently offered a job. Of course, he has never worked a day in his life, so he turned it down. He says hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Lazlo always seems to be available for work after it is done.

Your father and I are glad that the elections are over. So many speeches and claims. Your father says it doesn’t seem matter what a politician does. It only matters what he says he’s done and what he says he is going to do.

Well must close for now. I am worried. Everything seems to be going well, so I think I may have overlooked something.

Love,
Mama

A Letter From Mama

2005-01-17T22:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Recently, the economy is so bad here, the major industry is jury duty.

I have been doing our family genealogy. It may come as a surprise to you, but some of your ancestors were not very smart. I just found out that during the Civil War, your great great grandfather fought for the West.

I know you have tried hard all of your life, but have had problems. When you were born, the doctor said he did everything he could do, but you pulled through anyway. He took one look at your face, turned you over and said, “Look, twins!” I even had morning sickness after you were born. I always tried to give you the best. You were even breast fed, through a straw.

I am glad to hear that you finally have a girlfriend. It was nice of her to buy you a present for your birthday. But why would she say a down jacket fit your personality?

Dottie Clot’s funeral was yesterday. You’ll remember she had a very long nose. Well, recently she caught a bad cold. One night last week, she rolled over in her sleep, got her nose caught in her ear, sneezed and blew her brains out. It was a beautiful funeral and she looked good. The red casket matched her eyes.

Orville Mudd just had his 60th birthday. His wife told Ima Gooch he was a sexagenarian. Ima said, “Imagine… at his age, too!”

Well, must close for now. Our mayor, Seymor Hills, is leading a meeting at the Hootin Holler Town Hall. They are considering changing our Zip Code to E-I-E-I-O.

Love,
Mama

A Letter From Mama

2005-01-17T22:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The economy is so bad that pigeons have been feeding people.

Herman Glotz just got back from visiting his cousin in California. He said he would not let his cousin teach him how to surf. When his cousin asked Herman why, he said “Surfing is the only sport that has a shark in it!”

Your father’s distant cousin, Tony Gogwecker from New York, came here last week for a visit. They have not seen each other in years. Your father thinks Tony is connected with the Mafia. You see, when you father took him deer hunting, Tony first threw the deer in his trunk, and then shot it.

Harley Corn went to see his psychiatrist again last week. He told the psychiatrist that he is terribly afraid of Santa Claus. When the psychiatrist asked him to explain, Harley said in addition to Santa Claus, he was also scared of Kris Kringle and St. Nick. The psychiatrist told Harley that he had a bad case of Claustrophobia.

Iris Gomer just got back from a bus tour of the western states. She said, when the tour went to Denver, they were not allowed to visit the Denver Mint because the workers were on strike. It seems the workers were striking for less money.

Nacho Gack’s wife, Elsie just had their twelfth baby. Nacho said they could not name the baby until one of their dog’s died because all of their dogs have the good names.

Well, time to go. Your father just lit a match and looked into the car’s gas tank to see if there was any gas in it. There was.

Love,
Mama

Alvis Tries To Fit In

2005-01-05T22:34:00.000-05:00

Alvis has tried with some success to fit in in the big city. However, his employment history has been somewhat spotty, with six jobs in the last two years. He is afraid that potential employers will think he is a job hopper, and says he has never left a job voluntarily in his life. His most recent job was as a Salvation Army bellringer. Alvis said the job only paid minimum wage, but the tips were great. Unfortunately, they did not keep him on for a second day. Alvis also tried to go to a cooking school, but was quickly expelled without an explanation. He says the experience left a bad taste in his mouth.

Alvis exercises regularly, having learned the habit from his Granny Gogwecker, who when she was his age, began walking 5 miles a day every day. Today, they don't know where the hell she is. It seems she and Grampa Gogwecker never got along very well. Alvis claims he is self made, starting out with nothing and having most of it left.

Alvis' Background

2005-01-05T22:17:00.000-05:00

Alvis is sort of a modern day Gomer Pyle, but a bit sharper... unpolished perhaps, but a hard worker, who has moved to the big city from his home in Hootin Holler, "located in a state south of here."

Hootin Holler is very small. In fact, it is so small that the Entering Hootin Holler and Leaving Hootin Holler signs are on the same post. The phone directory has a White Page and a Yellow Page, on different sides of the same page. If you sneeze while you are driving through Hootin Holler, you miss it. Hootin Holler is the kind of place where you say as you are driving through, "Hootin Holler is a nice place, wasn't it?"

Alvis moved to the big city after getting a divorce. Now a divorce in Hootin Holler is sort of like a tornado in Florida. Either way you lose the trailer. Alvis's marriage was doomed from the start. He and his wife were mismatched, and sometimes fought like all married couples do. One day they went to her high school reunion, and Alvis met his wife's high school sweetheart. Alvis said afterward that he wanted to punch the guy out for not trying hard enough. Alvis usually says only very polite things about his ex; however, he did mention that one time they were watching the movie, The Wizard of Oz, and afterward he threw some water on her. One day he came home and saw her with a broom. Feeling brave, he asked her if she was cleaning up or getting ready to take a trip. You might say his marriage was doomed from the start.

Alvis is not a redneck; although he has some rednecks for relatives. One of his cousins, Rabe Gogwecker, is the kind of guy who scratches his back with a toilet bowl brush. Rabe goes to family weddings to pick up women. His standard of living improves when he goes camping.