Mama Writes

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. This morning I had to help the garbage man. He was confused as to what stayed and what went. When I came back in the house, your father was swatting flies in the kitchen. He said he had killed three male and two female flies. When I asked him how he could tell, he said three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.

Lately, your father has been very complimentary of my cooking. I guess it is true that the way to a man’s heart is his stomach. Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.

Gertrude Trudie and her husband Pro have announced they are going to publish an adult magazine for married men and one for married women. In order to make them realistic, they are going to have each magazine’s monthly centerfold be of the same person.

Harley Corn went to the psychiatrist last week because he was afraid he was becoming a kleptomaniac. He said he kept going back for seconds and thirds when they give away free samples at the grocery store. The psychiatrist told Harley he was just hungry. Your father says a kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.

Ima Gooch showed us the passport photo she had taken the other day for her trip to Europe. It did not look like her. Your father says if you really look like your passport photo, you are too sick to travel.

Well, must go and see to your father. He is repairing the barn roof and got on it to see if it was strong enough to hold him. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama