A Letter From Mama
Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. Lately, things are so bad, your father says he would have to borrow five cents to make change for a nickel.
Lazlo Thomas came over to the house last night to talk to your father. As you know, Lazlo is engaged to a girl named Soupie. Well, Lazlo was telling your father how hard it is to remain celibate until he and Soupie get married. Your father told Lazlo it might help if he asked himself if one hour of pleasure is worth the shame he and Soupie would have the rest of their lives together. Lazlo then asked your father how he could make it last for an hour. Your father gave Lazlo some other good marriage advice. He told him a wedding ring is about the same as a tourniquet. They both should stop circulation. Lazlo is still as lazy as ever. He is so lazy that if he ever decided to procrastinate, he would never get around to it. Your father says he’s a regular hotbed of apathy. He has such a funny sense of humor.
We saw Kingsley Regal at the store the other day. Kingsley is not the brightest flashlight on the shelf. He told us he was going to visit relatives in the big city, and they are going to take him to the racetrack. Kingsley says he has already picked a winner because the horse is listed to start at 25 to 1, and Kingsley knows the race doesn’t start till 1:00. Kingsley has a new girlfriend. The other day she asked him if he would like to see where she was operated on, and Kingsley turned her down because he hates hospitals.
John and Thelma Bedess, our next-door neighbors are still arguing a lot. The other night Thelma asked John why he acted so distant to her. He told her it wasn’t acting. She also asked him why he had not talked to her in the last two weeks. John told her he was afraid to interrupt. John has taken up weight lifting. He told Thelma he wanted his stomach to look like the six packs we always see on men with a lot of muscles. Thelma told him his stomach looked more like a case. Each to his own, I guess.
Well, must go and help your father. You’ll remember years ago he got struck by lightening in our backyard. He just went outside in a thunderstorm to test that old saying that lightening never strikes twice in the same place. It does.
Love,
Mama
Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. Lately, things are so bad, your father says he would have to borrow five cents to make change for a nickel.
Lazlo Thomas came over to the house last night to talk to your father. As you know, Lazlo is engaged to a girl named Soupie. Well, Lazlo was telling your father how hard it is to remain celibate until he and Soupie get married. Your father told Lazlo it might help if he asked himself if one hour of pleasure is worth the shame he and Soupie would have the rest of their lives together. Lazlo then asked your father how he could make it last for an hour. Your father gave Lazlo some other good marriage advice. He told him a wedding ring is about the same as a tourniquet. They both should stop circulation. Lazlo is still as lazy as ever. He is so lazy that if he ever decided to procrastinate, he would never get around to it. Your father says he’s a regular hotbed of apathy. He has such a funny sense of humor.
We saw Kingsley Regal at the store the other day. Kingsley is not the brightest flashlight on the shelf. He told us he was going to visit relatives in the big city, and they are going to take him to the racetrack. Kingsley says he has already picked a winner because the horse is listed to start at 25 to 1, and Kingsley knows the race doesn’t start till 1:00. Kingsley has a new girlfriend. The other day she asked him if he would like to see where she was operated on, and Kingsley turned her down because he hates hospitals.
John and Thelma Bedess, our next-door neighbors are still arguing a lot. The other night Thelma asked John why he acted so distant to her. He told her it wasn’t acting. She also asked him why he had not talked to her in the last two weeks. John told her he was afraid to interrupt. John has taken up weight lifting. He told Thelma he wanted his stomach to look like the six packs we always see on men with a lot of muscles. Thelma told him his stomach looked more like a case. Each to his own, I guess.
Well, must go and help your father. You’ll remember years ago he got struck by lightening in our backyard. He just went outside in a thunderstorm to test that old saying that lightening never strikes twice in the same place. It does.
Love,
Mama
posted by The Joker at 11:29 PM
2 Comments:
These letters are sooo funny. I hope you continue them. But - does Alvis ever write back? Or does he keep them all, unopened, in a shoe box under his bed?
chanpheng
I am sure Alvis will write back to Mama at some point. The letters were originally written as part of a standup comedy routine, but have evolved into a blog... as you can see.
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