Another Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. . Your father says the only two things we do with greater frequency at our age is go to the bathroom and attend funerals. Lately, your father and I are feeling our age. Yesterday, he mentioned buying me a treadmill. He said he wanted to buy it not because he thought I needed the exercise, but because he wanted me to have a reason to breathe heavily again. Wasn’t that sweet of him? Gracious sakes, I do love that man.

Last week, your father and I had the flu. I’ll tell you, we both were really sick. I felt so bad, I thought I was going to die and was afraid I wouldn’t. We were finally able to go the Hootin Holler General Store to do some shopping. While there, we ran into Lazlo Thomas. He still is as lazy as ever. He told us he was going to look for a job “tomorrow”. Now, he must have told us the same thing a dozen times. Your father says Lazlo thinks tomorrow is one today’s great labor saving devices.

Well, must go and help your father. He went out to the barn to see if the spider webs out there belonged to Recluse Spiders. They did.

Love,
Mama

Mama Writes to Alvis

Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. It seems like every day your father and I wake up with a new ache and pain. There is a good side to this, I guess. Your father days that after a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

The other day, your father and I ran in to Greg Humpty at the Hootin Holler General Store. We never were too friendly with Greg because his family has a bad reputation. Things seem to disappear when the Humptys are around. And Greg is one of the worst ones. Your father says he’s so sneaky, he can follow you into a revolving door and come out first. He makes you wish birth control was retroactive. The Humptys get ready to make chicken soup by stealing a chicken.

Lazlo Thomas and his fiance, Soupie, came over last night to visit. Lazlo is still as lazy as ever. And now Soupie isn’t much better. Your father says it must be hard to do nothing all of the time, cause you never know when you are finished. Lazlo has a new scheme he is working on. He is trying to sell his body to science before he dies. Your father says Lazlo will keep on trying whether science wants it or not. He always did have a dry sense of humor.

Rumor has it that Edna Ample was afraid her husband, Big, was having an affair because he was very late coming home from work one night last week. Edna is supposed to have felt much better when a friend said he probably just had an accident.

Must go now and see about helping your father. He wanted to cut down the old walnut tree in our backyard without it falling on anything. He didn’t.