New Letter

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father is worried because there never seems to be enough money to go around. I told him not to get so worried because you can’t take it with you. He told me, “Whoever said that never met an old maid.”

Harley Corn went to the psychiatrist last week and came back very mad at him. Harley said the psychiatrist kept showing him inkblots associated with sex. The psychiatrist said he wanted to take the results home for the weekend to study them. Harley said he got upset when the psychiatrist wouldn’t lend him his dirty pictures. Harley said the doctor asked him if he was troubled by indecent thoughts, and Harley told him no, he enjoyed them very much.

Elmo Bean got divorced again last week. It was his sixth marriage and divorce. Elmo says he has been marred and divorced so many times because a man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. He said his last wife was looking for an older man with a strong will—made out to her.

Lazlo Thomas is still as lazy as they come. He says he is going to join a group called “Workers Anonymous.” When you feel the urge to go to work or do a chore, they send someone over to drink with you until the urge passes.

Betty Clam, the town gossip came over to visit the other day. Your father told me not to tell her any secrets because they would go in one ear and in another.

I see the Kentucky Derby was won by a horse that seems to have surprised everyone except your father. He says a racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

Ima Gooch told us her boyfriend invited her to go with him next weekend to a nudist camp, but she is not sure she wants to go. Your father told her she should not be afraid of going—that nudism was just a different way of looking at things.

Well, must go and see to your father. He threw a rock at a hornet’s nest to see if hornet’s were still in it. They were.

Love,
Mama

A letter from Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. To reduce stress and excitement, your father and I have been spending more time with each other. We both are taking care of our health. Fortunately for us, people who say, You are just as old as you feel.”, are wrong. Your father says, “Be true to your teeth, or your teeth will be false to you.” We try to eat right, but if you are what you eat, we are both dead meat. Either that or we’re fast, easy or cheap.

I went to visit Harley Corn the other day. I am not sure the psychiatrist is helping him. He says half of analysis is anal. Almost every light bulb in Harley’s house is burned out. When I suggested to Harley that he put in new bulbs, he said he planned to when the light was better. He is a real character. Harley said it was so cold this past winter that he almost got married.

The Clod and the McDuel families have resumed their 55-year old feud with each other. It seems they were oversleeping every morning cause there were no gunshots to wake them up. Your father says, if it is true that misery loves company, then each family has a graveyard full of both.

It was interesting to hear about some of the cities with interesting names near where you are now living. Rabbit Hash sounds like an interesting place to visit, as does Big Bone State Park. I'm not too sure about Blue Ball and Sugar Tit. I’ll tell you though, I would not have wanted to know Earl Anger when he was living. It’s hard to understand why they named a city after him. It’s too bad we don’t have any places with interesting names near Hootin Holler.

Well, must go and help your father out. He put a rope over the edge of that deep old well in our backyard to see if he could find the bottom. He couldn’t.

Love,
Mama

Mama's Letter

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father and I are both feeling our age. It seems that I am always dealing with one of the Ritis boys. Your father says it takes about 10 years to get used to how old you are. I guess we are lucky when compared to some people. Your father says unless you have walked in another man’s shoes, you can’t imagine the smell.

Starley Stone turned 99 last month and is getting more and more forgetful in his old age. His daughter is afraid he is coming down with Old Timer’s. She says he promised her he would take a test for senility, but is worried that he will forget to take it.

The Clod and the McDuel families have finally ended their 55 year feud with each other. Your father says that he will believe it when he sees it because nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

It was interesting to hear about your recent visit to a Sushi bar. I have always heard the old saying about drinking like a fish, but never realized that fish might have their own bar. From your description of Sushi, I think we have something similiar in Hootin Holler, too. But here it is called bait.

Bettie Clam, the town gossip came for a visit the other day. Did you ever notice that some people become more interesting when they stop talking? Bettie is one of them.

Well, must go and help your father. He went to see if that old patch of quicksand near our swamp had dried up. It hadn’t.

Love,
Mama

Mama Writes

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. This morning I had to help the garbage man. He was confused as to what stayed and what went. When I came back in the house, your father was swatting flies in the kitchen. He said he had killed three male and two female flies. When I asked him how he could tell, he said three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.

Lately, your father has been very complimentary of my cooking. I guess it is true that the way to a man’s heart is his stomach. Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.

Gertrude Trudie and her husband Pro have announced they are going to publish an adult magazine for married men and one for married women. In order to make them realistic, they are going to have each magazine’s monthly centerfold be of the same person.

Harley Corn went to the psychiatrist last week because he was afraid he was becoming a kleptomaniac. He said he kept going back for seconds and thirds when they give away free samples at the grocery store. The psychiatrist told Harley he was just hungry. Your father says a kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.

Ima Gooch showed us the passport photo she had taken the other day for her trip to Europe. It did not look like her. Your father says if you really look like your passport photo, you are too sick to travel.

Well, must go and see to your father. He is repairing the barn roof and got on it to see if it was strong enough to hold him. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama