A New Letter From Hootin Holler

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. Lately, things are so bad, when they advertise things on the radio with no payments and no interest, we have no interest. Our mayor, Seymor Hills, bless his heart, tries to make us feel better. He is fond of saying, “Cheer up, most of our future lies ahead.” Your father says to take everything in stride because sometimes life is something you can’t live with our without. His attitude is not to torture yourself about life, because life will do that for you anyway.

Harley Corn is still seeing his psychiatrist. It does not seem to be helping him to be more positive about life. He told the psychiatrist that in life you had to take the bitter with the sour. Harley says that is a dog-eat-dog world and all of his life, he has worn dog food clothes. Your father told me, if Harley had wanted to be somebody, he should have been more specific.

Speaking of clothes, Idris Bean recently broke up with her boyfriend. It seems she found out he was a Naturist, when he invited her to go with him to a nudist camp. Betty refused, and they had a parting of the ways. Betty says if God had wanted people to go naked, he wouldn’t have given us clothes.

Lazlo Thomas finally got a job, but was fired from it after one day. It seems he told his boss what he thought of him. Your father says if you tell your boss the truth, the truth will set you free.

Well, must go and help your father. Yesterday, he examined some plants in our backyard to see if they were Poison Ivy. They were.
Love,
Mama

Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. Lately things are so bad, even the fleas on our dogs have moved out of town. Someone recently offered your father a penny for his thoughts, and he said it was nice to be working again.

We saw Nacho Gack at the Hootin Holler General Store the other day. You know we have always suspected Nacho was a bit light fingered. Well, the other day confirmed it. He told me that I could get a good pair of shoes for a couple of bucks at a bowling alley. Nacho was never concerned about style.

It seems we are always getting upset with our politicians in Washington. Your father says there is nothing wrong in Washington that some common sense or a funeral or two wouldn’t fix. The Hootin Holler Mayor, Seymor Hills is no different. Fortunately, he doesn’t say much. Even when he does, he doesn’t say much. We have been watching a lot of politicians on television lately. Your father says television allows you to watch people from the comfort of your home, who you would never have there as company. Anymore it seems we vote for the candidate we dislike the least. I would like to see more women in politics, but it must be hard to keep putting makeup on two faces.

Lazlo Thomas came over to the house last night to talk to your father. As you know, Lazlo is engaged to a girl names Soupie. She wants Lazlo to get a professional job somewhere. Your father says that Lazlo is already a professional shirker, and one of the best. Work never bothered Lazlo; he can go to sleep next to it any time. Lazlo told your father he is thinking about being a writer. The only thing Lazlo will ever be good at writing is his name on the back of a check.

Well, must go and help your father. He was over at George Strange’s house visiting, and stuck his finger into George’s fish tank to see if the piranha were real. They were.
Love,
Mama

Mama Writes From Home

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same in Hootin Holler. Lately, I have a terrible case of nerves. I have tried relaxing, but feel more comfortable, tense. Your father says the best thing for a case of nerves is a case of beer. We have talked about moving to someplace where the economy is doing better, then your father reminds me that the grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence, but it is just as hard to cut.

Speaking of grass, we have had so much rain lately; we have to mow the grass two times a week. Last night we took a walk in the back yard, and I swear we could hear it growing. When we were younger, your father and I used to walk in the rain all the time. He joked that he did not mind getting wet because he was wash and wear. Later, he kidded that he was permanent press. Your father now says he doesn’t like to walk in the rain because he is not wrinkle free

Lazlo Thomas brought his new fiancé to the house for a visit. Her name is Soupie. Lazlo is still as lazy as ever. They met in the employment line at the corncob pipe factory. Lazlo doesn’t go over there to find work, but to pick up girls. Boy are they ever a pair. Soupie doesn’t want Lazlo to exercise or work because it makes him smell bad. Your father says, “Soupie is stupie.” He also says Lazlo will not amount to much after he is married because he hasn’t added up to much so far. I think Soupie is better at love than she is at math.

Recent efforts to get together a Hootin Holler band were a failure. It seems none of the would-be band members could read music or play any of the right notes during practices. Your father says in their case, perfect pitch means throwing away the instruments and not hitting the sides of the dumpster with them. We tried to donate your great grandpa’s old banjo to the band, but they turned it down even after we told them there were no strings attached.

Well, must go and help your father. He found what looked like an old hand grenade in with grandpa’s old WWII stuff and wanted to see if it was real. It was.
Love,
Mama

Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Sometimes I wonder if things can get any worse. Then your father cheers me up by saying, you are never given more than you can handle, unless you die from something.

Lazlo Thomas came to the house the other day for a visit. He is still as lazy as ever. Lazlo says he believes in living life as simply as possible by filling what is empty, emptying what is full, scratching what itches and going to sleep when he is tired. Lazlo told us that starting tomorrow he intends to procrastinate more. Your father says Lazlo speaks his mind because he has nothing to lose. He also says, with Lazlo, after all is said and done, more is said than done. He works harder at avoiding work than the work itself. You know, Lazlo once got kicked out of a correspondence school because he figured out a way to cut classes. He sent in empty envelopes.

Buster Oweings and his wife Ima are getting a divorce. Seems she told him he needed to be more affectionate, so he got two girlfriends. Buster told your father that marriage was an expensive way to get your laundry done.

Kinglsey Regal came over the other day. You know he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He told your father that he thought the English Channel was something you watched on Cable TV. His wife obviously married him for his good looks. Kingsley said that there have been a lot of wrong number phone calls recently at his house. Some guy keeps calling and asking if the coast is clear.

Well, must go and help your father. He climbed that old elm tree out back to see if a branch would support his hammock. It didn’t.

Another Letter

Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father finally got his appetite back and is eating like he is condemned.

Your father says sometimes when they say a product is improved, they just put it in a different color box.

I told you in one of my other letters that Donnie Glotz and Dottie Gack got engaged. It was love at first sight… the moment he saw the size of her savings account. Of course, everyone says he is marrying her for her money. He offered to prove his love by having a large tattoo made that said “Donnie Loves Dottie,” but Dottie said, no. She was afraid it would show whenever she wore sleeveless outfits.

Harley Corn started seeing his psychiatrist again. He says he had about all he could take of himself.

Joe Glow finally had to close his store after three years. Your father says he stayed in business that long because his customers were willing to overlook little things like service, prices, sales help and reliability.

Well, must go and see to your father. This morning, he crawled under our old shed to see if the animal under it was a porcupine. It was.

Love,

Mama