Alvis Writes Home

Dear Mama:

Hope you are well and things are OK in Hootin Holler. Things are on the upswing for me. I found a job and am working in a factory here in the big city. A man told me to go to this place he called a temporary agency, and they would help me find a job. They called it temp to perm, whatever that means. I felt sorry for the man at the temporary agency who helped me find the job. Since he works at a temporary agency, he had better find a temp to perm job for himself before he loses the job he has. Funny, huh?

I went to a big store yesterday. They call it a drug store, although why they call it that is beyond me. It did not have that many drugs. What it did have was a lot of personal stuff that you would not believe. I walked up and down the aisles, and was embarassed by a lot of what I saw. Anyway, I think it should be called a Personal Stuff Store rather than a Drug Store.

I went to the library the other day and signed up for a class about using computers. The first class was yesterday. While they call it a computer is beyond me. I thought mine should be called a confuser, because it confused more than it added, subtracted, multiplied and divided. Will let you know how the confuser classes are going in another letter.
Love,
Alvis

Alvis Writes About Humorous and Odd Things

Dear Mama:
Thanks for your recent letter. It is always nice to hear of home and the wonderful things going on there. I miss it dearly, but my future lies here in the big city.

Today I met a man who told me about blogs. At first, I thought he was talking about grades of lumber, but then he told me it had nothing to do with rating logs. It seems a blog is a diary that a person writes on the Internet, which I will tell you about later. I am trying to learn more about blogs. It is confusing. He says the address of his blog is http://thejoker2005.blogspot.com/, which is also confusing, because it is like no other address I have ever seen. It doesn't even have a zip code! I will try to research this some more and let you know more as I find out more.

Today I saw a man wearing camouflage clothes out on the street in the city. When I walked up to him and told him I could see him, he frowned and walked away. Some people just are not at all friendly.

Give everyone my best.
Love,
Alvis

Mama Writes

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father and I are getting older and beginning to feel that way. He says two signs of advancing age are when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

Speaking of getting older, you’ll probably remember Rudy Gape recently got married right after his 89th birthday to Orpa Glow, a 85 year old widow. It was Rudy’s first marriage. It is a shame that just when Rudy decided to get married and make the most out of life, most of his is gone. Rudy says there are many, many advantages to old age, but he can’t remember what they are. He told your father that if he were a redwood tree, he wouldn’t even be through puberty yet. Rudy said one of the advantages of getting married at such an advanced age was that Medicare picked up 50% of the cost of their honeymoon. Your father says that Rudy has been able to combine the wisdom of youth with the energy of old age.

Harley Corn went to see his psychiatrist again last week. He says he used to be indecisive, but now he is not so sure. Harley has decided to be more positive about life. He says it doesn’t make sense to be pessimistic because it wouldn’t work out anyway.

Betty Clam came to visit yesterday. She is still a big gossip. She says everything she tells me is in confidence because that is the way it was told to her.

Well, must go and help your father. He was testing a swing in Hootin Holler Park to see if the ropes needed to be replaced. They did.

Love,
Mama

Dear Mama

Dear Mama:
Thank you for your recent letter. It is nice to hear that the folks back in Hootin Holler are pretty much the same. Sorry that the financial situation has not improved. As soon as I get a job, I will send some money home.

The other day, I met a man, who tried to give me some advice about dating women. At least that was what I thought he was doing. He said the pharmacy at the drug store was a great place to go. He told me he was going right over there to "see Alice". Then he told me something about meeting another woman named Vi Agra. At least that's what I think he called her.

Any way, I have good news. Remember the neighbor lady, who is always inviting me to this and that? Well, I think she is interested in dating me. Will report back with more soon.
Love,
Alvis

A Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The economy is so bad here, we have been receiving Care Packages from Africa. Recently, we had to take the money we were saving for a used pickup truck and go and blow it on groceries.

While we were buying groceries, we saw Lazlo Thomas at the Hootin Holler General Store. He is still as lazy as ever. Ever since Lazlo’s been old enough to work, he didn’t. But that is not truly accurate. Lazlo has had several jobs with the same result—hired, tired, fired. When it comes to work, Lazlo will stop at nothing. He says he has liked all of his jobs. It’s the work he hates.

Harley Corn is still going to the psychiatrist. Harley says his psychiatrist is so good, he always finds something wrong with him. Now he seems to have cured Harley of most of his money. Harley told the psychiatrist that he was afraid of dying, and the doctor told Harley that was the last thing he would do.

Elmo Bean has started dating twins. It seems his last girlfriend told him he needed to be more affectionate.

Well, must go and help your father. He went to a beaver lodge on Hootin Holler creek and stuck his hand underwater to see if there were still beavers living in it. There were.

Love,
Mama

A Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The economy is so bad here, all your father and I have been able to save for a rainy day is dry socks. They say you can’t take it with you. We can’t even afford to go. Last week I asked your father what he would do if he had all of the money in the world, and he said he’d pay our bills for as far as it would go. He says when our outgo is more than our income, then our upkeep will be our downfall.

Lazlo Thomas dropped by again around dinnertime, hoping for a free meal, but we had already eaten. Another missed opportunity for a free meal. Your father says if opportunity knocked at Lazlo’s door, he’s complain about the noise. He also says the trouble with Lazlo is he’s trouble. Lazlo thinks he’d have it made if he had a cigarette lighter and a wife and both of them were working. He told your father that work is OK as long as it doesn’t take up too much of your spare time.

Harley Corn started going to see his psychiatrist again. Harley says he misses the good advice he gives him. Your father says, if you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don’t need advice.

Gertie Buzzard’s birthday was last week. She is as fit as a fiddle, but won’t tell anybody her age. She says that way she won’t have to lie about it. Gertie also says a woman stops telling her age as soon as it starts telling on her. She did tell me she is approaching middle age for the third time. I have known her since I was a little girl, and Gertie looks just like she did then…old. She says she owes her good health to smoking and drinking, as she never did either.

Well, must go now and help your father. He borrowed a nail gun from our neighbor to fix our leaky roof. After he got it all hooked up, he aimed it at his foot to see if it was loaded with nails. It was.

Love,
Mama

A Short Note From Alvis

Dear Mama:

I was pleased to get your last letter and hear about all the happenings in Hootin Holler. Things are much the same here in the big city. I did have an interview for a job last week, but am not sure I did that well. When the fella asked me how far I went in school, I told him, "About three miles." I also told him that I had a hard time learning to spell because the teacher kept changing the words. He said he would let me know if I had the job. Still haven't heard.

I was invited by a neighbor woman to attend a roast last weekend. I brought a roasting pan just in case they needed an extra one, but they told me it was not that kind of a roast. It was more like a birthday party. They made fun of this man, who was having his 50th birthday. Everyone laughed a lot, including the man. I couldn't figure what was so funny about turning 50; and they never did roast anything.

Well, must go for now. I have been invited by Brandy, the neighbor lady, to go out to get a bite to eat. Have you ever heard of a woman being named after a drink? Come to think of it, I know a guy named Bud. Guess with equality of the sexes, fair is fair. We are going to the kind of restaurant where you stand in front and decide what to eat. Write soon.

Love,
Alvis

Mama Writes

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The good thing about being poor is it doesn’t take much to improve your situation. I guess it is a good thing we can’t afford more things, cause I’d just have more things to dust.

Last week a bunch of fishermen came through town looking for a good place to fish. They said they were sportsmen. Your father says there are two types of fishermen, those who do fish for sport and those who catch fish.

Harley Corn stopped going to his psychiatrist. Harley said the man was meddling too much in his private life. He told your father that any one who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.

Lazlo Thomas came by the house the other day. He is as lazy as ever. He dropped by around dinnertime, hoping for a free meal, but we had already eaten. My, my, too slow for a free meal. About the only thing Lazlo can do fast is get tired. Lazlo told us he went to the doctor the other day because he was feeling listless. The doctor told Lazlo there is nothing wrong with him; he is just lazy. Lazlo wanted to know the medical term for it, so he could tell Soupie, his fiancé. Soupie is just about as bad as Lazlo. Then only thing that isn’t lazy is her tongue. Your father says if the two of them ever get married, they probably will do their dishes in bed. Of course, that assumes either one will cook.

Betty Clam, the town gossip came over to visit the other day. She always seems to have more details than facts. I honestly believe she only has two types of friends, those she talks to and those she talks about. Your father says Betty believes much more than she hears. He also says she tells everything she can get her ears on.

Well, must go and help your father. I think he must be in his second childhood. He borrowed Johnny Clinton’s skateboard the other day and is trying to learn to ride it. This morning he went to Hootin Holler Hill to see if he could skateboard down it. He couldn’t.

Love,

Mama