Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. You know, growing older is not all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it. My get up and go is going, going, going. And one thing I have learned, never ask an old person how he feels, if you have anything else to do that day. My grandfather once told me that old people should not eat health foods. He said they need all the preservatives they can get.

Bettie Clam, the town gossip, says the secret to staying young is to live clean, eat healthy and lie about your age. She should know. Oh me, did I write that? She stayed for an hour the other day. Did you ever notice that some people stay longer in an hour than others do in a month?

Elmo Bean got divorced again the other day. He has been married and divorced five times. He says he has finally learned his lesson, and that marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution? He told your father that marriage was not a word, but a sentence. He said he would never marry again, but just lease. Whatever that means. He says you really don’t know anything about a spouse until the divorce.

June Gack passed away last week. They said such nice things about her at her funeral. Too bad she missed hearing them by a few days.

Harley Corn went to see his psychiatrist again. As part of his treatment, the psychiatrist told him to buy the book, The Power of Positive Thinking. Harley said he started off to the city to buy it and then thought, “What good would that do?” He didn’t even get halfway there. Harley also told us when he was growing up he had Amnesia once, or perhaps twice. He couldn’t really remember. If you ask me, that explains a lot. Before they made Harley, they broke the mold. I think his father must have dropped him on his head a time or two.

Well, got to go help your father. The storm we just had a wire knocked down up the road, and your father went to see if it was a live electric wire. It was.

A New Letter

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The nice thing about living in a small town is if you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

Odie Smoots recently had an automobile accident. He told the officer that the car skidded when he swerved to avoid a pine tree that seemed to come out of nowhere. Then every time he swerved there seemed to be another pine tree in the way, so his car ended up in the ditch. The cop told him there were no trees around; it was just the air freshener hanging on the rear view mirror. Odie is not the sharpest pencil in the cup. He is the kind of guy when asked by a cop, “Got any ID?” he answers with, “Bout what?” Your father says they quit giving him lunch breaks at work, so they don’t have to retrain him.

Lazlo Thomas recently applied for a job, and asked your father for a reference. Of course, he is so lazy, and giving him a reference put your father on the spot. Your father finally took care of the problem by writing, “In my opinion, you will be very fortunate to get Lazlo to work for you. No one would be better for the job.” Lazlo was hired, and your father said he had done the best he could. It wasn’t his fault if they didn’t take his warning.

Harley Corn started going to a new psychiatrist. He told him that he had a dream where he was a tee-pee, then he had another dream where he was a wigwam. The psychiatrist told Harley his problem was that he was too tense. Harley is not the brightest guy in the world. He was asked recently if he could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be. He told them it would be with the living one.

Well, got to go help your father. We were going to take a walk together later, and he went out to see if that old log over the gully was strong enough to hold both of us. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama

A New Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father and I are feeling pretty good for our age, but we realized that one of the signs we are getting older is that we are getting up at the same time we used to go to bed.

Birdie Brain returned from visiting her sister in the city. She told me her sister took her to a fancy French restaurant for dinner and ordered Escargot. Birdie said her sister told her Escargot was French for snails. Well, Birdie tried them and said she did not like them that much. She prefers fast food.

Bill Glotz recently went to the doctor because of a pain in his belly. The doctor told Bill that he needed an operation. When Bill found out what it would cost, he told the doctor he couldn’t afford it, so the doctor offered to touch up his x-rays. Bill did have the surgery and is doing fine. Says when he woke up the curtains in his room were closed tightly. When he asked why, the doctor told him there was a big fire across the street and they did not want to scare him.

Harley Corn quit going to therapy. I think he is a bit paranoid. Says his doctor was trying to help him behind his back. Then his twin brother forgot his birthday. Harley said he felt so bad, he called the Suicide Prevention Hotline. And they put him on hold.

Lazlo Thomas is still as lazy as they come. Recently, he turned down a job that required him to be pretty active. Says that if he wanted to feel athletic, he would go to a sports bar. He told your father that he never reads the fine print in anything, cause there is no way he is going to like it.

Betty Clam came to visit yesterday. She is still a big gossip, telling all sorts of funny tales about everybody. Your father says she has a great sense of rumor.

Arnold Bullwinkle and his wife, Dottie, went shopping in the city last weekend. Arnold says they were in this big department store, when they got separated, and he could not find Dottie. So Arnold found a pretty woman in the store and started to talk to her. Arnold says that whenever he does that his wife appears out of nowhere. And she did!

Well, got to go help your father. He tasted a mushroom from our back yard to see if it was safe to eat. Got to take him to the hospital to get his stomach pumped.

Love,
Mama

Dear Alvis Letter

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your dad says, “You know things are bad when your charge card and your belt both hit their limits.” He also says, “If the rich could hire people to die for them, the folks in Hootin Holler would make a wonderful living.”

John and Thelma Bedess our next-door neighbors have been fighting a lot lately. John told your father that you should never go to bed angry; you should stay up and fight.” He said he was worried about the future of their marriage because Thelma wanted to tell him something, on Jerry Springer. He says if love is blind, marriage is a real eye opener. And if it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

Julie Trump came for a visit yesterday. She told me she is dating still another married man. Says she enjoys dating married men because they don’t want anything kinky, like breakfast. She told me her sister Sue broke up with the guy she was dating because he wanted to get married, and she didn’t want him to.

Kinglsey Regal came over again the other day for some advice on dating. He said he is tired of trying to find a date in singles bars. Says he finds plenty of pigs, skunks and dogs, but no foxes. Kingsley told your father he moved around from stool to stool in a singles bar the other night, and the only thing he found interesting was some used gum. Kingsley is not the smartest guy in the world. He says he doesn’t have a bank account because he doesn’t know his mother’s maiden name.

Harley Corn went to see his psychiatrist again last week. He told the psychiatrist that he needed someone to date while he was looking for someone to love. Said he dated this woman who evidently was psychic, cause she broke up with him before they met.

Well got to go and help your father. We have had a lot of rain lately and Hootin Creek has been flooded. Your father drove the pickup down there to see if the water was low enough to drive through. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama

Another Letter

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Recently, though, when I shop, about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”

The other day, Bertha Smedley lost her purse. She told me that a neighbor boy found it and brought it back to her. When she opened it, she said to him, “That’s funny, there was a $20 bill here. Now there are twenty $1 bills.” The boy told her that the last time he found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.

Dudley Goodley was recently struck by lightening. When they found him, he was unconscious and had a big grin on his face. When he woke up, they asked him why he was grinning. He said he thought he was having his picture taken.

Goober Bean told your father the Bean family was related to everybody. When your father asked how that could be, Goober said, Well, we’re all human beans!”

I think I wrote you that little Johnny Clinton is now in school. He is very smart. Recently, his teacher was asking him questions about his numbers. He got most of them right until she asked him what came after 10 and he said, “A Jack!”

Donnie Glotz and Dottie Gack just announced their engagement. They are taking their time saving their money before they get married. Speaking of engagements, that reminds me that your father says the most common form of marriage proposal is: “You’re what?”

Well, got to go help your father. He went out to our old pond to see if the ice was thick enough to walk on. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama

A Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

I hope things are well with you. Recently, it has been so hot here that the birds have had to use oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground. And all the best parking spaces are based on shade, not on distance.

Bee Brown told me that yesterday her husband went fishing again. He seems to fish all the time, so I asked her if all of his fishing bothered her. She said, “Oh my, No. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and you get rid of him for a whole weekend.

Joe Gump told your father he asked his boss for a raise last week. It seems he told his boss that three companies were after him. When his boss asked what companies were after him, Joe told him, “The gas company, the electric company and the phone company.”

Granny Nelson recently went to the doctor because she wasn’t feeling well. The doctor gave her some pills to take, one in the morning with a glass of water, one at noon with a glass of water and one in the evening with a glass of water. When Granny asked what was wrong with her, the doctor told her she wasn’t drinking enough water.

Elsie Krack’s husband died last week. Elsie told us he went out to the garden to get a cabbage for dinner and dropped dead right in the garden. We asked Elsie what she did when that happened, and she told us she opened a can of peas instead.

This morning your father and I had a disagreement. Finally, he told me he wanted to compromise, and he would admit he was wrong, if I would admit he was right. I agreed, and since it was his idea, I let him go first. He told me he was wrong, and I told him he was right.

Well, must close for now. Remember that old hornet’s nest behind our house? Well, your father just went out to see if there were still hornets in it. There were.

Love,
Mama

A New Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Hope things are OK with you. Lately, I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with it half done.

The other day I saw a funny sign on the back of Orville Mudd’s horse drawn carriage. It said, “This is an energy efficient vehicle. It runs on oats and grass. Warning: Do not step on exhaust.”


Recently an out-of-town specialist came to Hootin Holler to advise the older folks how to deal with memory loss. But he had to cancel when no one remembered to show up.

Rudy Gape recently got married the week after his 89th birthday. He married Orpa Glow, a 85 year old widow. Rudy says they spent their honeymoon getting out of the car.

Iris Gomer just got back from a bus trip to one of those casinos an Indian reservation. Iris says the Indians are taking back America one nickel at a time.

Birdie Grape just got married again. I think he must have had a lot of money, cause she told me that coffee, chocolate and men are all better if they are rich.

Herman Glotz told us he finally cancelled his stolen credit card. Herman said he delayed reporting it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Lazlo Thomas is still not working. The other day he was offered a job to start at $10 an hour now and then pay $12 hourly in three months. When he was asked when he wanted to start work, Lazlo said, “In three months!”

Well, got to go help your father. He stuck his head in a bear’s cave to see if it was hibernating. It wasn’t.

Love,
Mama