Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same in Hootin Holler. But I am beginning to feel my age. The other day I looked in my address book and realized that most of the names there began with Doctor. I don’t want to complain, but it is getting longer to rest than it takes to get tired. The other night your father and I had a night out. Out on the deck. That’s all we had the energy for.

Dottie Bullwinkle said that Hillary Clinton plans to run for President in four years. She says isn’t it strange that the Democrats just lost one election and are already working on losing another one.

Kinglsey Regal came over the other day for some advice on completing one of those dating surveys. One of the questions was how he wanted to be seen by the opposite sex, and he thought for a moment and asked me how to spell “smart.” Your father says Kingley’s IQ is one point lower than it takes to grunt.

Harley Corn went to see his psychiatrist again last week. He has major problems. Harley told the psychiatrist that everyone hated him. The psychiatrist told him not to be ridiculous, that everyone had not met him yet. Harley is very modest and truly has every reason to be that way. He told your father that he wanted to find a paranoid’s anonymous meeting to attend, but they would not tell him where it was held.

Granny Gonk went to see her doctor the other day and took all of her medications with her. When the doctor saw that one of them was for birth control pills, he asked her about them. Granny told him they helped her sleep at night. It seems every morning she grinds one up and mixes in a glass of orange juice for her 18-year-old granddaughter, and that helps Granny sleep at night.

Herman Glotz told your father and me that he was tired of people hunting on his land without permission. To stop it, he said he posted a sign that said, “No trespassing. Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.”

Well, time to close. Your father says to tell you if it is true that money can’t make you happy, he would like the chance to prove it.

Love,
Mama

Another Letter

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Jobs are so hard to find that last week someone offered your Dad a penny for his thoughts and he said it was nice to be working again.

Herman Cool finally got engaged. He met this girl in a revolving door, and they started going round together. Her father died recently and left her everything. They don’t know how much it is because they haven’t gone through his pants pockets yet.

George Ogg came into a lot of money last week by a lucky stroke. His uncle had the stroke. Your father asked him what he was going to do with the money, and George said he was going to buy two hundred gallons of elderberry wine, 500 lottery tickets, and 100 packages of licorice gum, and if he had any money left, he’d probably just spend that foolishly.

Today your father told me he as homesick. And I said, “But dear, this IS your home!” and he said, “I know, but I’m sick of it.” Two weeks ago was our anniversary. We exchanged presents. He exchanged the one I gave him and I exchanged the one he gave me. So I gave him a new TV and stereo. You should have seen his face today when Renta Center picked them up.

Well, son, I must close now and go help your father. He stuck his finger in a turtle’s mouth to see if it was a snapping turtle. It was.

Love,
Mama

Another Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The economy is so bad here, that when your father recently took a load of trash to the dump, he came back with more than he took.

Your Great Aunt Elsie Gogwecker is now calling herself a sexy senior citizen. Seems she just won a wet shawl contest. Makes you wonder where she got the money she gave you for your birthday.

Nacho Gack told me that he was going to become a vegetarian. Your father said vegetarian was an old, old word for “lousy hunter”. You know, we have always suspected that Nacho was a bit light fingered. Our suspicions were confirmed the other day. At school for “Show and Tell,” his kids took a siphon hose. Last year when he went to Florida on vacation, Nacho got thrown out of Sea World when they caught him with his fishing pole.

Little Johnny Clinton is now going to school. My, my it seems like just yesterday he was learning to walk and falling into the holler. But I digress. The other day, Johnny’s teacher was reading his class the story of the Three Little Pigs. When she came to the part where the first little pig went to the farmer and said, “Can I have some straw to build my house?”, she asked the class what they thought the farmer said. Johnny raised his hand and said, “I bet the farmer said, “Holy Cow, a talking pig!”

Lazlo Thomas was recently offered a job. Of course, he has never worked a day in his life, so he turned it down. He says hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Lazlo always seems to be available for work after it is done.

Your father and I are glad that the elections are over. So many speeches and claims. Your father says it doesn’t seem matter what a politician does. It only matters what he says he’s done and what he says he is going to do.

Well must close for now. I am worried. Everything seems to be going well, so I think I may have overlooked something.

Love,
Mama

A Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Recently, the economy is so bad here, the major industry is jury duty.

I have been doing our family genealogy. It may come as a surprise to you, but some of your ancestors were not very smart. I just found out that during the Civil War, your great great grandfather fought for the West.

I know you have tried hard all of your life, but have had problems. When you were born, the doctor said he did everything he could do, but you pulled through anyway. He took one look at your face, turned you over and said, “Look, twins!” I even had morning sickness after you were born. I always tried to give you the best. You were even breast fed, through a straw.

I am glad to hear that you finally have a girlfriend. It was nice of her to buy you a present for your birthday. But why would she say a down jacket fit your personality?

Dottie Clot’s funeral was yesterday. You’ll remember she had a very long nose. Well, recently she caught a bad cold. One night last week, she rolled over in her sleep, got her nose caught in her ear, sneezed and blew her brains out. It was a beautiful funeral and she looked good. The red casket matched her eyes.

Orville Mudd just had his 60th birthday. His wife told Ima Gooch he was a sexagenarian. Ima said, “Imagine… at his age, too!”

Well, must close for now. Our mayor, Seymor Hills, is leading a meeting at the Hootin Holler Town Hall. They are considering changing our Zip Code to E-I-E-I-O.

Love,
Mama

A Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. The economy is so bad that pigeons have been feeding people.

Herman Glotz just got back from visiting his cousin in California. He said he would not let his cousin teach him how to surf. When his cousin asked Herman why, he said “Surfing is the only sport that has a shark in it!”

Your father’s distant cousin, Tony Gogwecker from New York, came here last week for a visit. They have not seen each other in years. Your father thinks Tony is connected with the Mafia. You see, when you father took him deer hunting, Tony first threw the deer in his trunk, and then shot it.

Harley Corn went to see his psychiatrist again last week. He told the psychiatrist that he is terribly afraid of Santa Claus. When the psychiatrist asked him to explain, Harley said in addition to Santa Claus, he was also scared of Kris Kringle and St. Nick. The psychiatrist told Harley that he had a bad case of Claustrophobia.

Iris Gomer just got back from a bus tour of the western states. She said, when the tour went to Denver, they were not allowed to visit the Denver Mint because the workers were on strike. It seems the workers were striking for less money.

Nacho Gack’s wife, Elsie just had their twelfth baby. Nacho said they could not name the baby until one of their dog’s died because all of their dogs have the good names.

Well, time to go. Your father just lit a match and looked into the car’s gas tank to see if there was any gas in it. There was.

Love,
Mama

Alvis Tries To Fit In

Alvis has tried with some success to fit in in the big city. However, his employment history has been somewhat spotty, with six jobs in the last two years. He is afraid that potential employers will think he is a job hopper, and says he has never left a job voluntarily in his life. His most recent job was as a Salvation Army bellringer. Alvis said the job only paid minimum wage, but the tips were great. Unfortunately, they did not keep him on for a second day. Alvis also tried to go to a cooking school, but was quickly expelled without an explanation. He says the experience left a bad taste in his mouth.

Alvis exercises regularly, having learned the habit from his Granny Gogwecker, who when she was his age, began walking 5 miles a day every day. Today, they don't know where the hell she is. It seems she and Grampa Gogwecker never got along very well. Alvis claims he is self made, starting out with nothing and having most of it left.

Alvis' Background

Alvis is sort of a modern day Gomer Pyle, but a bit sharper... unpolished perhaps, but a hard worker, who has moved to the big city from his home in Hootin Holler, "located in a state south of here."

Hootin Holler is very small. In fact, it is so small that the Entering Hootin Holler and Leaving Hootin Holler signs are on the same post. The phone directory has a White Page and a Yellow Page, on different sides of the same page. If you sneeze while you are driving through Hootin Holler, you miss it. Hootin Holler is the kind of place where you say as you are driving through, "Hootin Holler is a nice place, wasn't it?"

Alvis moved to the big city after getting a divorce. Now a divorce in Hootin Holler is sort of like a tornado in Florida. Either way you lose the trailer. Alvis's marriage was doomed from the start. He and his wife were mismatched, and sometimes fought like all married couples do. One day they went to her high school reunion, and Alvis met his wife's high school sweetheart. Alvis said afterward that he wanted to punch the guy out for not trying hard enough. Alvis usually says only very polite things about his ex; however, he did mention that one time they were watching the movie, The Wizard of Oz, and afterward he threw some water on her. One day he came home and saw her with a broom. Feeling brave, he asked her if she was cleaning up or getting ready to take a trip. You might say his marriage was doomed from the start.

Alvis is not a redneck; although he has some rednecks for relatives. One of his cousins, Rabe Gogwecker, is the kind of guy who scratches his back with a toilet bowl brush. Rabe goes to family weddings to pick up women. His standard of living improves when he goes camping.