A Note From Alvis

Dear Mama:

Thank you for your recent note. It is always nice to catch up on the happenings at home.

I wanted to tell you about a recent experience. I discovered a new place to meet women. I met a man, who said he was going to a pharmacy to meet his girlfriends. He must have had two of them there, because he said he was going to see Alice and Vi Agra. He sure was a lucky guy. I would be satisfied with just one girlfriend.

Well, must go. I have a doctor's appointment so I can get a prescription and meet some women.

Love,

Alvis

Alvis Finally Writes Home

Dear Mama:



Glad to hear things are much the same in Hootin Holler. Please tell Pop I was sorry to hear about the explosion and to get well soon. Things are much the same here, too. Sorry I haven't written. Have been trying to get a job and am not much good at writing.

I had the strangest thing happen here yesterday. I went to a shopping place they call a maul. Just why they call it a maul is unclear to me. Anyway, I saw a little boy there, who was crying. He said he had lost his dad. When I offered to help him search for his dad and asked, What’s he like?” the little boy told me, “Beer and good looking women.” About that time, he saw his father and ran off to join him.

At the maul, they have all sorts of interesting stores. Most of them are full of clothes that no one would want to wear and no one is buying. There was even a store that sold joke items. You would not believe all of the things there. One of them was this sort of plastic puddle thing that looked like someone had thrown up. Another thing looked like my dog, Old Blue, had gone to the bathroom. I offered to sell them the real thing, and they asked me to leave. I don’t know why.

Well, have to go now. Am still looking for a job and have an interview at a railroad car making company for the position of frog welder. I don’t know what welding poor little frogs has to do with making boxcars, but as you know I can weld anything.

Love,

Alvis

A Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. Lately, things are so bad, your father says he would have to borrow five cents to make change for a nickel.

Lazlo Thomas came over to the house last night to talk to your father. As you know, Lazlo is engaged to a girl named Soupie. Well, Lazlo was telling your father how hard it is to remain celibate until he and Soupie get married. Your father told Lazlo it might help if he asked himself if one hour of pleasure is worth the shame he and Soupie would have the rest of their lives together. Lazlo then asked your father how he could make it last for an hour. Your father gave Lazlo some other good marriage advice. He told him a wedding ring is about the same as a tourniquet. They both should stop circulation. Lazlo is still as lazy as ever. He is so lazy that if he ever decided to procrastinate, he would never get around to it. Your father says he’s a regular hotbed of apathy. He has such a funny sense of humor.


We saw Kingsley Regal at the store the other day. Kingsley is not the brightest flashlight on the shelf. He told us he was going to visit relatives in the big city, and they are going to take him to the racetrack. Kingsley says he has already picked a winner because the horse is listed to start at 25 to 1, and Kingsley knows the race doesn’t start till 1:00. Kingsley has a new girlfriend. The other day she asked him if he would like to see where she was operated on, and Kingsley turned her down because he hates hospitals.

John and Thelma Bedess, our next-door neighbors are still arguing a lot. The other night Thelma asked John why he acted so distant to her. He told her it wasn’t acting. She also asked him why he had not talked to her in the last two weeks. John told her he was afraid to interrupt. John has taken up weight lifting. He told Thelma he wanted his stomach to look like the six packs we always see on men with a lot of muscles. Thelma told him his stomach looked more like a case. Each to his own, I guess.

Well, must go and help your father. You’ll remember years ago he got struck by lightening in our backyard. He just went outside in a thunderstorm to test that old saying that lightening never strikes twice in the same place. It does.
Love,
Mama