Thanksgiving in Hootin Holler

Dear Alvis:Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. It seems we get more forgetful the older we get. Your father sat on his glasses the other day and bent them so badly we had to go to the store to get them fixed. The man that fixed them advised us never to put glasses where we might sit down. Your father told him that was easy for him to say because hindsight is always 20/20.

We will have Thanksgiving dinner here, then your father and I will fall asleep in our rocking chairs. It is almost like someone feeds sleeping pills to the turkeys before we eat them.

Sorry you are not able to come home for Thanksgiving. But we will be happy to see you at Christmas time. Speaking of Christmas, I never saw so many places preparing for Christmas so early. Some stores began putting out their Christmas things in October. The Hootin Holler Dollar Store ran out of Christmas stuff in October and had to restock already. Well I guess if you build a better mousetrap, people will beat a path to your store.

Tawnee Pile is still as wild as ever. It seems if a man walks by her, she goes out with him. I told your father she probably will get a lot of presents at Christmas from the guys she dates. Your father said the only presents she needs are a lot of antibiotics.

Redzina Goober told us the other day her husband is always out riding his bike, so she is giving him a pair of wool biking shorts for Christmas. She says it might encourage him to ride less and stay home more.Well, got to go and help your father. He is chasing the turkey in circles around the house. If we don't chase it in shifts, we won't catch it in time for dinner.

Love,
Mama

Feeling Our Age

Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. Your father and I are beginning to feel our age. Last week, we went to an antique auction, and someone bid on us. Your father says, “You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” At our age in Hootin Holler, a night on the town takes about 10 minutes. Lately, we have had Sometimers. Sometimes we remember and sometimes we forget.

Do you remember the June family? They named all of their kids with odd names. The oldest daughter was named, Enda. The next one was named, Itsa. Well, the youngest daughter, April May, came over last week for a visit. She is the only one without an odd name. April May has gained weight since we last saw her. She was wearing sweat pants and what looked like be a large sleep shirt with “Visit Booger Holler” printed on the front. Your father said any woman who would wear a shirt like that has given up on having a relationship with a man.

Lazlo Thomas is still as lazy as ever. I swear that man would walk two miles to avoid work. Your father says it must be hard for him to do nothing all of the time because he never knows when he is finished. He said Lazlo told him one of the nice things about doing nothing is there was always something to do.

Well, got to go now and help your father. He went out picking black berries yesterday and wasn’t sure if there would be any chiggers in them. There were.

Love,

Mama

Things Are The Same

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. It keeps getting harder and harder to make ends meet. Your father says, with our luck if our ship ever does come in, we will be at the airport. And every day we seem to get more aches and pains. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Lately, your father and I still can work hard, but when we sit, we fall asleep. But why worry. Worry is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.

Molly Piles came over for a visit the other day. She took me aside and asked me for some advice. She told me she has a terrible problem with gas. She said, fortunately it is always silent, but wanted to know what she should do. I told her the first thing I thought she should do was to have her hearing checked.

Your father said this reminded him of the story about the man, who made a sound like "honda" every time he passed gas. When he finally went to a Proctologist, who said he had an abscess. It seems thatin Japan, where the doctor came from, there was even an old saying about it, "Abscess makes the fart go 'honda'.

Speaking of old sayings, many are not true any more. Remember the old saying that goes, "Hay... straw's cheaper, and grass is free."? Well, that is no longer true. Straw is more expensive than hay. And the old saying about getting more flies with honey than you can with vinegar has bothered me for years, because you can get more flies with manure than either of the other two! And how about the saying about leading a horse to water, but not making him drink. I think you can only point a horse in the general direction of water. Your father says it does help to salt the horse's hay--which is now cheaper than straw.

Well, have to go now. Your father just went out on the rocks on the edge of Lookout Cliff to see if there was still ice on them. There was.
Love,
Mama

Letter From Alvis

Dear Mama:

It was so good to hear from you about all of the happenings in Hootin Holler. Things have been busy for me, too. Recently, I was surprised to learn that they do not call Kentucky a state. Everyone else does, but in Kentucky, they call it a Commonwealth. At first, I did not understand the reason for that name because the average or common person here is not wealthy. The average person also does not know why they call it a commonwealth. When I looked it up in the dictionary, I found that a commonwealth is a republic as in the Pledge of Allegiance’s, “and to the Republic for which it stands.” Now that makes sense.

The other thing that I still don’t understand is why they call Kentucky, The Bluegrass State. The grass here is just as green as the grass in Hootin Holler. I guess they thought calling Kentucky, “The Greengrass State,” was not cool enough. It does sound a bit common, doesn’t it? Well, they do have a lot of green grass. You might say, “It’s a commonwealth of green grass.”

Please write soon.
Love,
Alvis

Another Letter From Mama

Dear Alvis:

Things are much the same here in Hootin Holler. . Your father says the only two things we do with greater frequency at our age is go to the bathroom and attend funerals. Lately, your father and I are feeling our age. Yesterday, he mentioned buying me a treadmill. He said he wanted to buy it not because he thought I needed the exercise, but because he wanted me to have a reason to breathe heavily again. Wasn’t that sweet of him? Gracious sakes, I do love that man.

Last week, your father and I had the flu. I’ll tell you, we both were really sick. I felt so bad, I thought I was going to die and was afraid I wouldn’t. We were finally able to go the Hootin Holler General Store to do some shopping. While there, we ran into Lazlo Thomas. He still is as lazy as ever. He told us he was going to look for a job “tomorrow”. Now, he must have told us the same thing a dozen times. Your father says Lazlo thinks tomorrow is one today’s great labor saving devices.

Well, must go and help your father. He went out to the barn to see if the spider webs out there belonged to Recluse Spiders. They did.

Love,
Mama

Mama Writes to Alvis

Dear Alvis:
Things are much the same here at Hootin Holler. It seems like every day your father and I wake up with a new ache and pain. There is a good side to this, I guess. Your father days that after a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

The other day, your father and I ran in to Greg Humpty at the Hootin Holler General Store. We never were too friendly with Greg because his family has a bad reputation. Things seem to disappear when the Humptys are around. And Greg is one of the worst ones. Your father says he’s so sneaky, he can follow you into a revolving door and come out first. He makes you wish birth control was retroactive. The Humptys get ready to make chicken soup by stealing a chicken.

Lazlo Thomas and his fiance, Soupie, came over last night to visit. Lazlo is still as lazy as ever. And now Soupie isn’t much better. Your father says it must be hard to do nothing all of the time, cause you never know when you are finished. Lazlo has a new scheme he is working on. He is trying to sell his body to science before he dies. Your father says Lazlo will keep on trying whether science wants it or not. He always did have a dry sense of humor.

Rumor has it that Edna Ample was afraid her husband, Big, was having an affair because he was very late coming home from work one night last week. Edna is supposed to have felt much better when a friend said he probably just had an accident.

Must go now and see about helping your father. He wanted to cut down the old walnut tree in our backyard without it falling on anything. He didn’t.

Alvis Writes A Letter

Dear Mom and Dad:
Hope you are well and things are going well in Hootin Holler. It is nice to hear about all of the going ons there, but it makes me homesick. Perhaps I can come home before the holidays.

I wrote you that I am taking a computer class. It is very interesting, but confusing. I am taking a class called Word class. I guess they call it that because we type a lot with words. If that is the case, why don't they call it Words class. The teacher said that Word is a word processing program. That statement confused me, because I cannot imagine words being processed. They are what they are, and do not need to go through a grinder, polisher, mixer or anything like that. Part of the class also involves what is called keyboarding. The teacher said it used to be called typing class, but did not explain why the name was changed.

In addition to learning to type, part of the class involves working with a thing they call a mouse. Why they call it a mouse is beyond me. It is oval shape and has no feet or ears. It has a little ball underneath, and you push it around and click two keys on top to give the computer directions. When the mouse is moved, it moves an arrow on the computer screen, which is like a television screen, but is not. The arrow is called a cursor. Again, I do not know why the cursor is called a cursor rather than an arrow. Maybe it's because people curse when it doesn't go where they want it to. The TV screen is called a CRT. I do not know the reason for that name either. Boy, they sure have a lot of strange names for things.

Will keep you up to date as I learn more about computers. Tell everyone I said, Hey!
Love,
Alvis